LJ Oldie

Do you remember livejournal? they are still around and i just found my old account...nearly four years old

Here's a look back on my life in march of 05

Sometimes I hate my friends. I know thats kinda cold to say but they really piss me of sometimes. Like the one's who owe me money and ones who think that everything revolves aroud them. But I guess thats what happens when all of your friends are crazy. I believe I attract some of the most crazy people the world. Like my friend Amanda who'd rather shave off her hair than going blonde, patrica who I swear half my paycheck goes to just to buy her lunches, the twins who rather insult me than say hello, or Leah who can OD off of skittles. But the biggest crazy of all is Ashley. What me and Ashley have is too twisted to be called a friendship. We spent all of 9th grade torturing and beating the crap out of each other, then every year after that we start out nice and friendly but by the middle of the year, we're at each others throat! Last year she got so mad at me, she didn't speak to me for most of the damn year. And the sad part is ....I didn't even know why. People were tellin me stuff like she found the sound of my voice so annoying that it made here want to slap me. Now thats cold. I just wonder if she still feels that way. If she does then i need to stay at least an arm length away from her. LMAO. But through all that, she's one of the few people in that school who has my respect. And one of the few who has left a scar on me that I can always remember them by. But when it all boils down, I'm just as crazy as all my friends, thats why we get along. So God love them all

Dear Heart

Dear heart,

Being brokenhearted doesn't suit me
Being lonely doesn't amuse me
And being vulnerable is just abusing

So let's take a different approach
A different tactic
And with some practice
We'll bounce back like the springs in a mattress

But this time you have to listen to me
Don't give give it up to any man just cuz they says they're different than he
Or him from lifetimes past
Check him out first let's see if it lasts

Oh things are going good? Don't be so naive
Just because he plays the part well doesn't mean he don't have tricks up his sleeve
So keep those beats at ease
Just because his smile makes you weak in the knees
doesn't mean that your free
To go give him the keys
To the kingdom of us you me and we

But you did it anyway. Now where are we now?
Suffering from his glory of our defeat
Stuck in purgatory from his deceit

I tried to warn you. Now we do it my way
And with our power combined
We'll be tough like the
Needles on a porcupine
No more Laying it on the line
then getting hung out to dry
We'll find someone worth the time
Of yours and mine

But you have to listen to me now
Include me in on the plays
Make me part the fray
I'll keep the unworthy at bay
Love isn't enough these days

You'll find someone to love and someone I can trust
I don't ask for much
Just
For us to stay in touch
When it comes to this crux
Of our existence

He is out there
Let me find him
& I'll let you love him

As sincerely as possible,
Brain

8,000

so today is my 8,000 day alive. Now thats cause for some celebration
right?
I mean its definitely something that does not happen to you everyday. so one should go out and enjoy it
right?
well i dont have many friends (plenty of acquaintances) but few real friends. and ironically, they are working today..just like me
my main friend is going out of town
and i dont like being around my family all that much
So it's just me
So what is there to do on your 8,000th day of life?
you reflect on the last 4,000 to 5,000 days..i'm leaving room for the days you dont remember

so much has happened..too much for one blog..too much for a lazy person like me to write. As i try to remember these times, im constantly pulled back to recent problems.Normal problems:

money
parents
job
emotions

yes emotions. i, myself am a very angry person..I rarely notice it. It manifests in so many different ways. Anger is the emotion i show because its easy and it hides the unsavory emotions i don't like to show. The vulnerable emotions. A friend recently told me that the reason why i get so angry is to hide my tears. The is quite accurate. now when im really about to haul off and cause someone some serious physical bodily harm or get to that point of extreme anger, i do start to tear up and cry.its a physical reaction i cant control it. but those arent the type of tears im talking about. Im talking about the emotional turmoil going on inside of me. the stuff i don't want anyone to see. Anger arises..mostly at myself..for allowing me to get to that point..for allowing something or someone to have that much power, that much clout in my heart to causes that type of reaction. Anger brews and it amplifies the wrong that that person has committed against me. Only a person who i truly love can cause that much anger

disturbing and confusing? yes it is. let me explain

once i love someone..anyone..your place in my heart is solidified. Permanent. Forever.
Those are very special ppl. people i trust whole heartedly. They are held to the highest standards and i expect nothing but the best from them. They can do no wrong to me. but if they do, if they fall off of those high pedestals i glued them to..it hurts me. im disappointed, vulnerable, heartbroken..Emotions that weaken me and my pride. Emotions that trigger the anger..the rage. I become blinded by it.Consumed with it.Hate forms. Why hate? Because it is the strongest and closet emotion to love. only a thin line separates them. You put out the same amount of thought and energy. They are both consuming and both overwhelming. They usually go hand and hand with me. because i wouldnt expend all that time and effort and feelings on someone who didnt matter.
this is a problem i am trying to address..or i was. My love for them always wins out in the end..eventually.

its why i can't completely hate my parents
its why i don't disown my psychotic unruly cousin
its why my ex will always live in my heart..together or not
its why i cant ever stay mad at my best friend for more than a few hours
its why im able to forgive


Recently I've been mad with anger..headaches galore from it..All from one person..
A person that i had no idea possessed such power
I thought about why and the answer has led me to my biggest fears
which will be addressed at a later time.
But for now i've decided to let go of that anger..because i no longer need it. there is no point in being mad at myself for emotions that are beyond my control.So i will move on from the anger and move on with my life

but do i forgive? perhaps..there are traits that they have that leave me quite unsettled and uneasy but forgiveness is the Christian thing to do

but i will never forget.not by a long shot

Happy 8,000th nicole

Per Your Request

He once asked me if i listened to any songs that reminded me of him..

Those are the top
They are in order as they roll through my head every time i see him

rather it be in person or in my day dreams

from afar or in window reflections

on myspace or blogspot

whenever....seems like all day



enjoy yo! lol

Lions, Tigers, & Bears

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (Oh my!)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom.
You say you care, and I know you do...
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense.
Just cause I love you, and you love me
It doesn't mean that we're meant to be.
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening you and me.

[Chorus]

Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thang, I don't get the game.
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend.
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

[Chorus]

I'm sure though I'm not sure
But if we never try, We'll never know
It's better to have loved then not to loved at all.
Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be sweet memories.
Oh I'm not scared...

[Chorus]

Someday

As days go by
And fade to nights
I still question
Why you left
I wonder how
It didn't work out
But now you're gone
And memories
All I have for now
But no it's not over

We'll get older
We'll get over
We'll live
To see the day
That I hope for
Come back to me
I still believe that
We'll get it right again
We'll come back
To life again

We won't say
Another goodbye again
You'll live
Forever with me
Someday, someday
We'll be together
Someday, someday
We'll be together
I heard someday
Might be today

Mysteries of destinies
They are somehow
And are someway
For all we know
They come tomorrow
For today

My eyes are open
My arms are raised
For your embrace
My hands
Are here to mend
What is broken
To feel again
the warmth of your face
I believe there
Is more to life

Oh, I love you
Much more
Than life and still
I believe
I can change your mind
Revive
What is dying inside
And someday, someday
We'll be together

Someday, someday
We'll be together
Someday, someday
We'll be together
We'll be together
We'll be together
Someday

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

Part Of The List

Smell of your hair
Shape of your eyes and your nose
The way you stare as if you see right through to my soul
To your left hand and the way it's not quite big as your right
The way you stand in the mirror before we go out at night
Not quiet type, your beautiful mind

They're all part of the list
things that I miss
things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss
what I notice is this
I come up with
Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce

The way your sweet smell lingers when you leave the room
Stories you tell as we lay in bed all afternoon
I dream you now, every night, in my mind is where we meet
And when I'm awake staring at pictures of you asleep
Touching your face
Invading your space

They're part of the list
Things that miss things that I miss
things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss
what I notice is this
I come up with
Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce
Ohh
Will you live in my memories forevermore I swear
and you live in my memories forevermore I swear

They are part of the list
Things that miss things that I miss
things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss
what I notice is this
I come up with
Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce

A House is Not A Home

Think of your heart like a house. Sturdy, lots of rooms to be filled with ppl and emotions, Built to last. Now imagine one person occupying most of that house. Taking residence in most of the rooms, becoming part of the foundation. Making it their permanent home. The love of your life. Your house is filled with love. The house is in perfect working order until something happens...
That person leaves. Not just leaves...Shatters the foundation hat your beautifully constructed house once stood. Your house is demolished. Its pieces are scattered and misplaced. All thats left is the garage and some other small various properties that surrounded the house. Those properties are now filled with the survivors of the annihilated house. People and emotions who are moved to the side...reassigned until a new house is built. Now the rebuilding must start, a slow process, usually.

But now a new inspiration has come into view with a blueprint and model for the new house. Now construction commences. Faster and easier. All because of this new person. This house will be better and have different specifications for the new inhabitor. They will be happy here. They will love and cherish their new home better than their predecesor. The foundation is fixed. The frame is up. There were a few glitches but otherwise it has gone smoothly. The walls are up. The roof is in place. Doors and windows. More than half of the house is done. Almost a home. But then contruction comes to a screeching halt. Conflicting problem arise. The building has to stop..for the moment. Eventually it will begin again but not too soon and not so fast. But the builder is patient. The the future resident is not.

Conflict continues. Then...the resident rocks the foundation. the reason is uncertain but the act is sure. The foundation so carefully constructed is shattered again. Forcing the almost beautiful home to break...crumble once more. Though pieces and material are not destroyed and scattered like last time, the house is depleted again. Forever flawed and cursed.

Do you forgive the would be resident and struggle again to rebuild..knowing that sabotage is in their power, knowing that the cycle has a great chance of repeating itself. Or do you move on like last time. Slowly rebuilding a house for no specific purpose except for own enjoyment and wonder if someone will ever live there again. If someone will ever call it their home

????????

Barry Bonds that Bullshit

If you love someone then have to let them go..How cliche. Buts thats exactly what i did. the situation between us was not changing and i could not foresee it getting any better soon. Contrary to your beliefs, i do care about your emotions, your peace of mind, your happiness. I could feel the turmoil it was causing you. Your pain radiated off of you. It filled every conversation we had. it hurts me to realize that i caused it despite my best efforts. Everything i've done was to prevent that but i failed anyway. i wanted to ease that hurt for you..so i did what i thought was best. i released you. i weighed the options and your short term pain would be better than the long term agony we would have caused each other

I...struggled with that decision (to put it lightly). Despite how you think, it was not easy for me to drop it. i cried too you know. maybe you should have listened harder on the phone that night. I am not heartless (contrary to popular belief) i'm glad you can switch off your emotions but I cannot do that. My love for you didn't disappear. It still haunts me. it makes me regret my choice. it urges me to just come back and say i didnt mean it. But we'd be right back to the same problem. What was the problem? Me. Yes i was willing to take the blame. i was prepared to play the villain in this debacle. But then i was made aware of your thoughts and feelings about our end. I respect your opinions and feelings toward s it. But this defamation of my character will not be allowed so let me retort

i am alot of negative things. but a liar is not one of them. and thats exactly what you insinuate by saying that i had not intentions of being with you. that i strung you along. that i played with your emotions. that i played games and tried to make you bend to my will. get the fuck outta here..seriously. That speaks volumes to me. it says that all that time i was fighting a losing battle. that i was never gonna get past your negativity and insecurities.

I was straight forward and honest with you from the get go. you knew my situation and my feelings..You knew it would take a while. You say I can't let go? what the fuck..did you expect to to wake up two weeks from my former breakup and be back to normal. What part of "love of my life" was unclear to you? Emotions like that dont just disappear overnight. It takes quite some time. Did you not get that? you go find the love of your life and then lose and see if you can pull yourself together in lighting speed. but i tried because i figured a shot with you would be worth it. I didnt need you to save me. I didnt require your help to get over it. I was doing it myself so you wouldnt have to be constantly reminded of his place in my heart. And i let him go but just because you let someone go doesnt mean you're instantly healed

All i ask from you was to wait..Be patient. thats it..i didnt ask for anything extra..you chose to tire yourself out with it..Wasted efforts. i just told you to wait. Quetta told you to wait..Did you think we were just telling you that to make you suffer? No..we were giving you advice, giving you the benefit of our knowledge. You're the one who was new to the situation..we weren't ,we knew what it was like to be in love. we know the importance of having a stable healthy friendship as a foundation of a relationship. Thats what i was trying to accomplish. but i guess i should have known how improbable that would be since you yourself admitted that you have had very few (next to none) real friendships. You didnt even fully trust me. You say that you've given everything to me and yet haven't got anything in return. thats bullshit..What have you given, really? information because you told "everything" (everything you felt like sharing, that you trusted me enough with)..So? And? thats what friends do. But even then quetta knew shit before me so what does that say. Everything you told me i've told you the equivalent to regarding my experiences.

So don't act like your giving all this love and got not in return. I said I loved you.. But because it wasn't in the way you wanted it so you doubted it. Because you couldnt have me in the way you wanted me all of my efforts were mute. You were oblivious to them because they weren't in the way you thought they should. how childish is that. You could only see what i wasn't doing. If you wanted someone to hug up on you and skip and make kissy faces with in public and gush all over you then you should have moved on long ago cuz you knew you weren't gettin that from me. You knew what i was and how i was and you chose to continue so there is no reason to act all distraught when i don't ac t the way you want me to.

So if you really feel the need to blame somebody for this mess...then blame yourself. You switched up on me. You became the jackass. I took every precaution i could to not hurt you and make this situation prosper. You had one job and you couldnt even do that. i'm sorry that i didnt want to give you half a heart. forgive me for wanting to make sure i would do right by you and not be plagued with regret for the past. I apologize for trying to build a lasting relationship with you that would give you the love you deserve..Im sorry that i couldnt fit all of this into your time frame

I was thinking maybe we could just have plain friendship and see if we could build it back up to the place where it was before you started fucking up. but now i see how you really think of me..and obviously you don't know me at all to think those thoughts..so "ehhh....whatever"
Your friendship is no longer required either. im so happy that your numb..i wish i could feel that way..cuz all i feel now is utter disdain for you and the whole situation. i will no longer hurt for someone who inflicted it on themselves

yeah i'll find somebody..or maybe i won't who gives a fuck.
but they will get cut too if they turn out to be just like you

An ode to Johnathan Rhys Meyers

I saw him in Bend it like Beckham..then in matchpoint..and i was hooked
its not hard to tell why

Where is Jill Scott?

Where did she go?..Apparently she's pregnant. She is due to have a boy in April. Sources have not confirm this though. She is also scheduled to have a part in that new lady detective show...Its good to know shes still well. I can't wait for another album from her

"Love Rain Down or Hate On Her...She is the Real Thing"

That Aint How You Cook No Chicken Playboy

MotownPhilly Strikes again

You OUGHT to know Jazmine Sullivan
You know..the woman who got 5 grammy nods off her debut album
The one who wrote all her song (or at least co - wrote)
That one that jive records pushed over for Christina Millian all those years ago
You the one who can sound just like she does on her record if you ask her to sing at moments notice
Yea.. Her right here


She's the best r&b singer out of Philly since Boyz II Men
Better than Beyonce? Yes
Better than Keyshia? Yes
Better than Mary? Getting There
Better than Lauryn? Equal to Her

So get familiar with her
Cuz she's the S.H.I.T

When Geese Attack

They take down airplanes
You would have never known how dangerous they really are.
Thank god the pilot was a really good pro who wrote the book on airplane safety and regulations

Ignorant nigger posing as a man of the cloth

Obama may be alot of things but he is always positive and does not deserve to be attacked in such an appalling manner..And this man calls himself a prophet?
Nowhere in the teachings of the lord does it say attack a man's character
False prophets like him are what drive ppl away from the church instead of bringing them closer to god.
This is a cult not a church and they are spewing their hate messages and corrupting minds
This is why not every nigger should be put in front of a camera..because they dont know how to fuckin act.