I See

so i wake up at 4am...to arguing and cramps. PMS is kickin my ass and my parents can't seem to keep their facade of a happy home from falling apart. The nostalgia makes me nauseous. so i put on my ipod and surf the net

i check my myspace. nothing new..but my top 24 is different. some strange white person is #24 that can only mean that someone was deleted or rather they deleted me. i quickly scan and then i see it..the running focal point of 70% of my blog is no longer on my top.I've been deleted.

Looking for an explanation, i turn to blogspot. i see two new posts..so i read
As i read, this thought runs through my mind "huh? what the fuck? surely him not puttin back a damn bottle of juice and me callin him an ignorant nigger didn't warrant this type of onslaught. I mean he's always does niggerish shit when he feels like thats just what he does and im the one left there with ppl askin me what his problem is..but thats just what he does. i expect it now..but that one incident didnt require two slanderous blogs. did it?"

So i analyzed and took in every word and thats when i realized "he's talkin about my three recent blogs". Two of those blogs were poems written by other ppl. one of which was written by a myspace friend who messaged me to read and pass it along..which i did. The other was written by my best friend who happens to be a excellent poet and that poem has been a personal favorite of mine for months. I figured i'd put it somewhere i can see it instead of scrolling through all her others to get to it. the third one was just an update on how i felt at that point of my life. something that was drafted on Saturday but i didnt post it til Monday. i felt like updating my blog WITHOUT the Tim theme. I didnt think i'd have to explain what i choose to put on MY BLOG. I guess you felt attacked somehow. i don't see it. So let it be known that everything IS NOT about you. Im sorry you felt the need to retaliate to something that truly was not about you. But then again i get the feeling that is how you felt for a while now and you were just waiting for the time to write it.

And Boy what writings they were..Im blown away..baffled. They top "Eh..Whatever" by miles. I'm riddled with fury..sick with it. I havent wanted to cause harm to someone this badly in years. Every fiber of me wants to just straight blast you. So many things want to be said..I could sit here and just write something that would make you look like a pitiful bitch or i could go to work and cause some real damage...but what good would that do?

really?
how will help?

it won't so there is no need for me to say anything
believe everything you need to

Hate is A Strong word...

"But So Suitable For You"



So I tried again, to love what cant be loved.
I fall apart once, twice,
only to have to put myself back again.

I hate everything I think about you.
I dont even want to see your face.
I have tried only to fail again.
Blow me away, without a trace.

I was never there,
I never touched your soul
the very essence of my grief
is that your still whole

Rip you apart
make you feel the pain you cant have
I dont want your emotions,
sympathy or sorrow, take them somewhere else
for I will have my tomorrow.

Dont bother talking to me,
your only a face in the crowd
find yourself someone else to fuck with
for I am no longer at your bow.


its still a favorite of mine lol

La-Tarsha Darling...you are skilled beyond compare
never forget that

How bout a round of Applause

so i'm taking a new outlook on life
a new way of coping and dealing with issues

hakuna matata

The problem free philosophy

The let go and let god

the shit happens

the tough titty to the kitty but the milks still good

those types of mindsets..because there's no sense of stressing over things that won't change. I am not a miracle worker. i cannot change people or their actions. so instead of getting angry over it..I accept it..i'm even willing to offer olive branches. I'm trying to be a better person.

But some people just push my limits on my new lifestyle. But i continue my practice..I no longer get mad. and i only get even when its necessary. I only do one thing. I don't trust you and i dont put faith in you. simple
I saves me so many emotions. In fact, I've felt happier. I feel at peace lately. No, none of the situations changed but i have come to terms with that. I accept that there is nothing more that I can do and i don't get angry about accepting defeat. It happens..Shit happens

I play with the hand im dealt.
I may not get that royal flush in life.
But I hope to one day have a comfortable full house

free of jackasses, bitch ass niggas, fakers, clowns, almost do gooders, haters, mr. nice guys and all those other meaningless cards that may get drawn during my play.

Mr. Nice Guy

Beware of Mr.Nice Guy by Shakespeare the Young Poet

He has a gentle voice and an understanding tone
A clean, sunny disposition and by him respect is always shown
When he holds out his hand, believe he means to help you
And once you’ve been caught by Mr. Nice Guy
It becomes hard to go back because you’ve been trapped by his honest lies
The term “too good to be true” is the game he loves to play
Because a kind, loving, honest man rarely exist now a days
He’s rather modest and appears to be shy at times
And if you happen to look his way; He’ll give you a slight smile
But beware of his caring eyes
Because once he blinks at you, he’s now on the prowl
And even though Mr. Nice Guy is really just a “nice guy”
He unfortunately has the ability to break Hearts
Unintentionally and reluctantly but yet willingly and knowingly
So just like the jackass, Mr. Nice Guy can be a bad ass… Emotionally
So be very careful, because he’s not always physically unappealing
On the contrary
Mr. Nice Guy can appear in many themes
From skin deep beauty to straight to the bone ugly
But what tends to lessen the game portrayed by Mr. Nice Guy
Are those real jackass niggaz just perpetrating to be
They play Mr. Nice Guys game so ridiculously
Tainting the image of him causing him to be(like most jackass niggaz)
Completely stained
But yet still one might ask
How is it that true Mr. Nice Guys are also able to dish out so much pain so easily?
Quiet simple really, thru the fears of commitment he himself maintains very deeply
Honestly… Mr. Nice Guy is a guy solely built for the moment
Anything that appears long term is a task that he will refuse to get with
And in comes the Heart ache, from countless times of disappointment
This is the one area where his “niceness”
Is rarely effective
Because when most women choose to claim him
He begins to enlighten them
By restating a claim of his own, that he is not ready for a relationship
So there is your disappointment, thru his lack of involvement
Maintaining his resistance against anything monogamous
Because like most men, regardless of how “nice” he is
He likes to play the game called “Women”
Why…?
Because he’s so good at it
Hoping that because he’s such a nice guy, that when he decides to make his exit
The pain of his departure will be of less effect, but is it?
Some say, when Mr. Nice Guy leaves his scent, it hurts as much, if not more
Then the jackass who left and didn’t give a shit
So even though he’s really just a “Nice Guy”, be very cautious of him
Because Mr. Nice Guy is really just like any other guy; He’s not Perfect.

Fool That i Am

"I'm going crazy,alone in a daze, and my heart ain't the same and I don't even think unless I think about you, that's the only time I get sentimental" - Deborah Cox

Love.
Its a fickle bitch
Thats why I try to avoid it. To side step it. But yet it catches you anyway way and leaves you stranded. i got caught again. unexpectedly. I fell for damaged goods

"Love, you didnt do right by me. To send me a joe with winter and snow in his heart, wasn't smart" - Rosemary Clooney

But i tried at it. I TRIED. some think otherwise. But its past the time to explain myself, to make him believe me, to make him feel my love. Yes, patience is a virtue. But i asked for the amount that he was unwilling to give. I could get mad and angry. Blame Him for everything but that just wouldnt be true. He may have collaspe the relationship but i didnt do all i could to help it stand either.

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything i just couldn't do
and i hurt myself by hurting you" - Christina Aguilera

But there would be no point in that..Truly, there's no point in this blog. It won't make a difference. Its not a time machine. its not an eraser. Its words on a screen. They won't be internalized, like so many of my other blogs about this subject, like my conversations. the words " I love you" or " I'm in love with you" mean nothing when the person you say them to don't believe you. Believe in you, or Believe anything about you. So

"I think, God will give you someone,
So much better than me, trust me
Your eyes will be O.K., it will alright,
it will be just fine (just fine)" - Chris brown

But i'm getting too old for these..disappointments and i'm not so optimistic about love as others. So like so many thought, I will end up an old Spenser with 48 cats..or i could be like my aunt "miss Independent/World traveler" i will learn contentment with any life i live. But all of them will be plagued with memories of lost loves..But thats the fact of life..For now

"But we couldnt see eye to eye
So, darling, darling, darling,
This is goodbye.
But I still care, but I still care,
And oh, fool that I am" - Etta James