8,000

so today is my 8,000 day alive. Now thats cause for some celebration
right?
I mean its definitely something that does not happen to you everyday. so one should go out and enjoy it
right?
well i dont have many friends (plenty of acquaintances) but few real friends. and ironically, they are working today..just like me
my main friend is going out of town
and i dont like being around my family all that much
So it's just me
So what is there to do on your 8,000th day of life?
you reflect on the last 4,000 to 5,000 days..i'm leaving room for the days you dont remember

so much has happened..too much for one blog..too much for a lazy person like me to write. As i try to remember these times, im constantly pulled back to recent problems.Normal problems:

money
parents
job
emotions

yes emotions. i, myself am a very angry person..I rarely notice it. It manifests in so many different ways. Anger is the emotion i show because its easy and it hides the unsavory emotions i don't like to show. The vulnerable emotions. A friend recently told me that the reason why i get so angry is to hide my tears. The is quite accurate. now when im really about to haul off and cause someone some serious physical bodily harm or get to that point of extreme anger, i do start to tear up and cry.its a physical reaction i cant control it. but those arent the type of tears im talking about. Im talking about the emotional turmoil going on inside of me. the stuff i don't want anyone to see. Anger arises..mostly at myself..for allowing me to get to that point..for allowing something or someone to have that much power, that much clout in my heart to causes that type of reaction. Anger brews and it amplifies the wrong that that person has committed against me. Only a person who i truly love can cause that much anger

disturbing and confusing? yes it is. let me explain

once i love someone..anyone..your place in my heart is solidified. Permanent. Forever.
Those are very special ppl. people i trust whole heartedly. They are held to the highest standards and i expect nothing but the best from them. They can do no wrong to me. but if they do, if they fall off of those high pedestals i glued them to..it hurts me. im disappointed, vulnerable, heartbroken..Emotions that weaken me and my pride. Emotions that trigger the anger..the rage. I become blinded by it.Consumed with it.Hate forms. Why hate? Because it is the strongest and closet emotion to love. only a thin line separates them. You put out the same amount of thought and energy. They are both consuming and both overwhelming. They usually go hand and hand with me. because i wouldnt expend all that time and effort and feelings on someone who didnt matter.
this is a problem i am trying to address..or i was. My love for them always wins out in the end..eventually.

its why i can't completely hate my parents
its why i don't disown my psychotic unruly cousin
its why my ex will always live in my heart..together or not
its why i cant ever stay mad at my best friend for more than a few hours
its why im able to forgive


Recently I've been mad with anger..headaches galore from it..All from one person..
A person that i had no idea possessed such power
I thought about why and the answer has led me to my biggest fears
which will be addressed at a later time.
But for now i've decided to let go of that anger..because i no longer need it. there is no point in being mad at myself for emotions that are beyond my control.So i will move on from the anger and move on with my life

but do i forgive? perhaps..there are traits that they have that leave me quite unsettled and uneasy but forgiveness is the Christian thing to do

but i will never forget.not by a long shot

Happy 8,000th nicole