2009's Full circle

This yr has been very hectic when it came to my personal life. So much has happened. I've learned a lot about others and myself. I know what I want and what I won't put up with. I know what I desire and what I require.
Yet sadly, I end this year alone.
So much for my wants and needs
So much for my hopes and expectations
So much for love...

Perhaps I should use 2009 as a blueprint for what to do and not to do. Maybe I should scrap it, write it off.
But I can't write off my feelings like that
So I shall reflect with my keyboard
I'm gonna do a synopsis of my personal life of 2009
I don't care who reads it and what ppl will take from it
Because it's not about them or for them
It's for me
So let's take it from the top

Timothy
I've blogged and talked and yelled about this situation until I was blue in the face. So to get down to it..I thought we be in a different place right about now
Last yr this time I thought we'd be together
But I'm glad we're not
I loved him..not as much as he wanted me to
O well, you can't force love
And essentially that's what he trying to get me to do
So things fell apart
He started saying some things, acting certain ways
I retaliated
We are all wrong
Tried to make amends numerous times
Still nothing
And that's what it is now, nothing
I dont care about him at all
Whatever love that was there is long gone
That's not a grudge or bitterness or resentment
That's my opinion of him as a person
He's just not someone I want to know

Milton
It was just sex
The sooner he realizes that the better
Hell it's almost been a yr since the last time
Yet he's still around
Asking for a relationship
But I can't be with him because he's not faithful
How do I know that?
Because he was with me when he and his ex were still together.
So no I can't trust him.
He won't pull that shit on me

Garron
Shocking!
I was with him for two weeks
And I can honestly say that they were the most peaceful weeks of the yr for me.
They were surprisingly easy
There was no anxiety no cases of the try too hards
It was entertaining and dare I say "sweet"
It would have been a very fruitful and loving relationship
But it came at a very inopportune time
My heart was with someone else

Which Leads me to

Wally
My heart aches just thinking about this
Just saying I love you wouldn't give it justice
This was on a level that I've never experienced before
My heart opened chambers that I never knew existed
It was overwhelming and I loved every minute of it
That's all i'm going to say about it because it's too much to bear right now
Needless to say that he's gone now
And every time I think I can find a way to move past it
I'm hit with another memory
It's like someone's using my heart as target practice

So here I am
Drifting
Wanting but not getting
So in 2010 I don't want love to visit me
It's not welcomed here
Come back when you do right by me
I'll try for 2011

Weebles Wobble

Some people just make it hard to be nice to them
I don't know if they do it on purpose
For attention or fun
But it's like they aren't happy unless you honestly wouldn't care if they dropped dead in front of you
And it shouldn't be that way
One should enjoy peace
Not fuck with it
I don't think niggas get that these days
It's the holiday season
It's a time to enjoy my loved ones
If you don't fit into that category then leave me alone
Don't make nice with me one day
Then be on some bitch behavior the next
It's a waste of time
So don't say anything at all
Ain't no #shotsfired pun pun nothing
Just puff be gone
Live your life far away from me

That is all

Empass

There comes a point in life
Where the person you think you are
And the person you are destined to be
Will war for your very existence
It will be epic pandamonium in your soul
And the victor will change the outlook of your life
But it might not be for the better
The question you have to ask yourself now is

Are you ready for the results?

S'more Kicks Vol. 4

Ahhhhh Supras














I've decided to stick with them for a while..they are so damn comfortable!!!
I used to feel this way about dunks..but they no longer...excite me
maybe its because any joe schmoe can walk into their local flea market and buy factory rejects that portray dunks.
so at least i know supras are still fairly exclusive and authentic
so...
i got new ones...my black gunnys and my grapevines
yay me!!!

For My Better Half

i dont have my bank card
so i cant buy stuff that will make you feel better
but i would if i could
because your my best friend an i love you

so get well soon yogi!!!!!

The agony of St. Agnes

It's not secret that I really don't like my job
I only tolerate it..why??
Because it's an easy job and I'm sure to get some nice glowing references out of it.
I got no problems with my supers or their bosses
and like I said the job itself is dumb easy..

So what are my quams??
The co workers
the top three headaches are
1. The gossiping biddies
2. That big bitch
3. That big nigger

now those gossiping biddies have been a pain forever
if they don't know something about u then they make it up
and then expect u to still be nice to them afterwards
they got no respect yet they want you to give it to them
they are jealous old broads that are just mad that ur young
while they have wasted their adult lives there

that big bitch..she's the new girl who came in acting like she worked
there for 10 yes already
she's acts like she knows it all
but she's as dumb as a sheet pan and as wide a walk in refrigerator
and slow!!!!!!
For no damn reason
and she talks too much
and trys to say smart ass shit To you on the sly
and worst of all
she's conceited with absolutely no reason

that big nigger is.... Ha
I won't say his name but it ain't hard to figure out
after our long convoluted history..
I just do feel like walkin in and seeing him there
cuz quite frankly I don't even want to share the air with with him
and if I just have to base it off of the fact that things just didn't work out
then it wouldn't really be a problem just alittle awkward
but it's all the extra shit that pissed me off that I have a problem with
everytime I'd feel indifferent about his existance
he'd pull some nonsense that would activate a
* no this muthfucka didn't* look on my face
so I want him out of my life..
Because shit ain't never gonna be nothing but hostile between us
at least until I become indifferent again
I want every trail of him scrubbed from my mind and memories
but that's hard to do when I have to be in the same vicinity with him at least three times a week

so work is baby back bullshit
if it wasn't for @ms_qt @natashiazahar @marieharmony
I'd prolly be bored and angry more than I am most of the time.

St agony blues

ps
this was written on my iPhone biiitttccchhhheeesss
yup there's an app for this here

that is all

On Blast

I hate when people put their pitiful insignificant two cent opinion into a situation where it is unwarranted.

And on that note
Dear Tim, Fuck You
Is this your idea of the proper way to mend fences with me? By writing yet another erroneous blog??

smh...

You have no say or importance in what goes on in mine and Garrons's friendship. It's not your place to speak on it. Your not entitled to it. You know nothing about it except what he told you in a fit of anger.
It was great of you to listen but when you decide to intervene with nescient blogs that's when you've over stepped your boundaries.
You shouldn't fix your lips or fingers to criticize anything about me. Especially when you yourself are trivial and ill equipped.

How dare you judge me.

You don't like the word friend because you don't know what it is or how to be one. You trust no one and you don't know how to properly love anyone but yourself (sometimes).
You don't offer anything except for a headache.
You don't have stimulating conversations with anyone except for blasé topics and then you ramble on and victimize yourself.
You are self serving.
You only want friends when it benefits you
And when things dont go your way , you use infantile behavior to serve your purpose.
You care more about your damn raggedy shoes then actual people.
You shouldn't be giving Garron any type of life advice because all you do is eat away your money and then burn off calories by playing guitar hero
Two months ago Garron was stable and had goals I just don't want him to lose sight of who he is and want he wants.
You don't know those things about your damn self and you're still where u were in high school
Garron is younger than you. You should be a role model for him
but instead your a perfect example of what not to be.
Garron will grow into greatness while you fade into his shadow
Until you get your shit in perspective and become something in life,
Something more than what it is you are
don't sully Garron with your superfluous opinions
and don't you fuckin dare ever critique me in a blog again

If you got something to say act like the big ass man that you weigh and voice that shit to me
Instead of firing a shot then hiding behind the proverbial skirt.

That IS All

MTV fail

so mtv dropped their hottest mc's of 2009 list

1. Jay-Z
2. Lil Wayne
3. Drake
4. Kanye West
5. Rick Ross
6. Gucci Mane
7. Young Jeezy
8. Fabolous
9. 50 Cent
10. Raekwon

Im somewhat bewildered by the names on this list..
but then again this is mtv we are talkin about here
its more about the media coverage than music

i'll agree with their #1,3,4...but the rest is a mystery to me

lil' wayne didnt put out anything substantial..so it must be about the stunts he's been pulling at his shows i.e singing drunk and high, dry humping his female new artists or bringing preteens on stage for "every girl"

Rick Ross?? all that nigga did was get embarassed by 50 cent with his baby mama and do a belly flop on stage..he put out an album but nothing to put him in any top ten

GUCCI MANE???!! i hate this nigga..i cant stand his voice or his face...he is the greasy fatty cholesterol that will clog the arteries of hip hop

As for young jeezy,fabolous, raekwon and 50 cent..i dont see what they did that earned them top ten..i guess maybe it was alittle more than most.

And to be fair..Kanye didnt really do much music wise..Just make an ass out of hisself

No eminem?? nope cuz he went in on mariah and their lowly employee nick cannon so that cant support em
And why no T.I.?? thats the only nigga i know whose supposed to be in jail but pops up with new singles from an up coming album and gets photo'd at parties and games.

Dear MTV, just because vibe is going under doesnt mean u have to pickup the torch for bad hip hop list..but i do thank you for not mentioning souljaboitellem

What Makes You Feel Good

I have a friend who is on the "doing what makes you feel good" path of life
There's nothing wrong with it from time to time
I've indulged in it myself
But doing what makes you feel good often times leave certain things and responsibilities undone
You begin to rest on your morals
You goals and expectations take a back seat
Now dont get me wrong
one is suppose to enjoy life and live it to the fullest
But in life, one has to struggle first to achieve their true happiness
And that struggle seems to last a lifetime
People then start to take solace in the "doing what makes me feel good method"
theres nothing wrong with that
To a point
Doing it to pick yourself up out of a rut once in awhile is one thing
But to do it on a daily basis can be destructive and disruptive to your life
Unfortunately my friend has began to do it on a daily basis
Like a user
Because this lifestyle in itself is an addiction
One gets addicted to the euphoria of it
And in turn all of their responsibilities fall by the waste side
One might play video games all day instead of bettering themselves physically and mentally
Or go shopping instead of paying bills
Or smoking knowing that they would have to take a drug test to get any job
Or drinking just for the feel good feeling of it
All of these things and more are the product of the feel good life style
Fun for a moment
But long term use could damage themselves and their loved ones in the process
I dont want that for my friend
And though he hasn't been doing it for that long
I can see the change already
This isnt the first time i spoke my opinion about this
But from what is see it hasnt changed all that much
So this will be the last time i speak on it
Im not anyone's mother, just a concerned friend
But i wont stand by and watch my friend turn into something he wouldn't even approve of.
And thats goes for anyone i care about.

gtfoh

so lil mama decided to diddy bop her ass up on stage during the "empire state of mind" performance
she looks like a drunk E.T.
at one point of this clip it really looks like jay laughed in her face
and give her a "shoo fly dont bother me" wave

Keepin it 100

I feel like i dont really have the freedom to say what i want on my blog
i feel like im being monitored
i dont like that feeling
it unsettles me

recently i wrote a few blogs about the way i was feeling about my ex
and someone got it twisted
o well thats not my fault
he shouldn't be reading my blog in the first place
but apparently its the only way he can get up to date info about my life
because others dont feel the need to share
whatever
no offense but i find it pathetic.. but thats just my opinion
it would have been much easier to ask me how i've been
rather than taking the virtual supa dupa snoopa route

but if u want to continue to do that than be my guest
because im gonna say what i want now
i feel my blog should be used more and share my personal feelings
and if ppl dont like it
they know where the back button is

im not going to compromise about this
Welcome to the So the Drama Chronicles
its about to get a little more real

that is all

Sigh..o well

so on my quest to get this certain someone out of my mind
i've made list of reasons why we cant be together
to remind myself that even though i would love to be with him
it just cant work
so....
1. we are too abrasive with each other
2. we are both too stubborn
3. our paths in life are going in totally different directions
4. i dont like his career choice
5. he's engaged...tho i could destroy....no nvm
6. i cant stand his family ..with the exception of his mom
7. we are both too hotheaded
8. he's too chauvinistic

the list could go on..
but this is enough to convince me
and hopefully my mind can wander on someone else tomorrow

this shall end my "ex" rant trilogy
time to REALLY move on

that is all

out of hand random thoughts

so im still stuck on this dude and i dont know why
i guess i dont dislike him as much as i thought
it doesnt help that his best friend and i are friends
and the fact that....nevermind
this is ri damn diculous
maybe i need change of scenery
cuz everwhere i go we've been
memories are still there
im lookin at one of our old pics now

but hey....#deathto nostalgia right?

Ipod blog Vi - the relapse

i didn't get alot of sleep
Up pondering my existence type stuff
Then somehow my Mind started wandering about my "love life"
Especially the past yr
The successes and shortcomings
It's makin me feel some type of way
Something I wasn't expecting because I thought I had moved on
I still miss him
I still love him
Yeah I can be hella angry at someone but that's only masking the fact that I still love him.
I guess after walters departure it got me thinking about what should have been..what in some ways still can be
But things are too damaged and we don't even speak to each other..that's not how I imagined we'd be at this point. Even if we weren't together I thought we'd still be friends..I miss the friendship. I don't know what the point is of writing this blog but it's what was on my mind..I'd love to pretend these feelings weren't still there but they are.
Looking over the past yr has made me skeptical to try anything again but I always wondered if we could go back
To the good ole days.
To what our future should have been
My former blogs about him don't depict him it a good light but that's all water under the bridge..
Time goes on
And so will I

That is all

Sneaker Hunt Vol. 1

every fall i replace a pair of my black sneakers
ive done it for 4 yrs now and this yr is no different
usually they are nike but this yr something else caught my eye
hmmm which one should i choose...

Something Personal

I'm an agry person and it mostly stems from my resentment.
Resentment.
It is the base of most of my negative flaws. Where did this resentment come from?
My life or lack there of. I live two of them, the one people see and the reality. I seem like this busy person with friends and a full social agenda but that's not the case. I don't have a social life, perhaps I should say my parents never allowed me to have one.
All my life I've craved one thing that I still haven't got and that's freedom. The freedom to go and live my life and make my own mistakes and be with people I want to be with. I've always been so confined in my house..couped up, always kept on a short leash. My parents control the life I don't want..and I'm always looking for a way out. They say it's to protect me, that my life would have been much worse without their rules and regulations.
I don't go out and no one comes in. That's how it is.
Every once in a while I can go out on a mandated outings but those aren't often. Now of course me being the creative person that I am, I've found a way to get out anyway and create my secret life. I've had it since I was 15.
It's allowed me to have friends and boyfriends. And it works 90% of the time. But I still have a huge restriction that average people of my age..hell even younger...do not have. And that angers me. I resent it and I resent my parents.
Like, angry beyond compare.
I can't stand this life. I hate it and it depresses me. So that's when possessiveness comes in to play. When I spend time with the people I love outside of the control of my parents, Im happy but I don't like to share them because my time is precious. But when I'm not with them I'm angry again. That's where the jealousy comes in. I can't stand when my friends are out with each other and I'm stuck in the house especially without my knowledge. It just gets to me. It make me resent them and that's not fair to them.
And for that I'm sorry.
This is my issue and my personal flaw. They can't help the life I live so I shouldn't expect them to. This is difficult topic for me. This blog was wrote for a better understanding. And to show that life ain't always roses but you learn to make the best of it. There's still things I can do to improve my life. And I hope this problem and these emotions will be part of the change.

Bye Babe

Because my hands aren't able to touch you
I hope my pen finds a way
And though my lips cannot sooth you
My written words can do just the same
If my arms are unable to hold you
Let my thoughts be your embrace
And if my gaze cannot find you
Let these lines be your saving grace
If you cannot feel my presence
Let these stanzas be my substitute
And if you never hear me say I Love You again
May this poem say it in absolute

Good Bye Wally

Love Always and Forever

Nicole

Jimmy is jinxin Drakes career

silly nigga
why would u jump around and skip
on a torn ACL?

he better hope he wont be hobbling forever after this

My top Female singers

This is my list of top female singers.This is of current and living singers. This about singing people..pure talent



10. Amy Lee

People know her from Evanescense.
Forget about the gothic rock persona.
Focus on her voice. She's classically trained in opera.And she's very good at what she does.


9. Mary J. Blige

I can't leave her off the list. Yes she has a low number but that doesn't mean she cant ride out too..But i like my mary struggling and depressed. We got the best music out of her then.


8. Chrisette Michele

You all should pay close attention to her
She has the range on octave. She's someone even your grandmother can listen too.
Some say she's too jazzy for today.
But i think thats what today is lacking anyway.


7. Christina Aguilera

We all know her. But forget about those "genie in the bottle days".Take off that pop label. She was commercialized then. They needed someone to compete with Brittany Spears. But after "stripped" Christina became something Brittany can never be and thats a truly talented singer.



6. Lauryn Hill

What needs to be said about her? if you've never heard her music or if you have and dont like it..then you're officially deaf and dumb




5. Anika Noni Rose

Maybe you've never seen her before. But maybe you are the lucky few who have gone to her top ranking broadway shows and were blessed with her vocals in person.
She's a tony award winner and she's fan-damn-tastic. She was in dreamgirls. but with names like beyonce and jennifier hudson in front, she got looked over..But she definitely can "sang".

4. Cece Winans

Listen to some gospel and you'd know that she has the perfect voice for singing all of gods praises
She comes from singing dynasty
and she represents it to the fullest.


3. Jennifer Hudson

For someone who didn't win American Idol, she's doing pretty damn well for herself.
Oscar Winner, Grammy Winner..and she's just getting started. you can't ignore her voice...so don't even try


2. (Prime) Whitney Houston

Forgot about the Bobby phase. Go back to original Whitney. Think about it...Now tell me she wasn't great..Tell you still don't try to hit all her notes in "I Will Always Love You" from the Bodyguard...that was a bad mofo back then.


1. Jill Scott

Try to dispute this then you really dont know who Jill Scott is. And if you dont then its a sad soul less world you live in.


11. Deborah Cox 12. (Prime) Mariah Carey, 13. ADELE, 14. Alicia Keys, 15. Jazmine Sullivan, 16. Beyonce, 17. Toni Braxton, 18 .fantasia 19. monica 20. Keyshia Cole

Why are Beyonce and Mariah so low?
Honestly Beyonce is great but there are way better singers than her. if i added in entertainment then no, no one would be on or above beyonce's level..but this list is based off of Singing.
Mariah has an octave only dogs can hear but that doesnt make her great.

The Outcasts
ciara, ashanti, brandy, Miley Cyrus

But Don't Sleep On the White Girls
Katy Perry, Brook White, Natasha Bedingfield, Sara Bareilles, Leona Lewis, Duffy

iPod Blog V

Dear blogger,

How long has it been my friend?
Too long indeed

There has been much that happened
Some good
Some bad
But that's life
I broke up with wally
And that hurt and I miss him alot
And yes im still in love with him
I know what ur gonna say
"u said u were in love with that other nigga"
Negative. He was a clown and I just got caught up in the circus
Love was there but not in the way he wanted
And I'm glad it turned out the way it did

But I have been exploring other options
Keeping an open mind to new perspectives
And one happens to be better than I imagined :)

Anyhoo

I see my friends almost every day now
Quetta and Garron
Quetta is at work
And Garron's basement is cold lol
Quetta is fine
But Garrin has people issues
Meaning there are some that just won't leave him alone
Now I've met these certain ppl
And let's just say they can't whisper very well lol
Their games are amatuer and transparent
But that's not only my opinion..it's truth
But whatever it really isn't my problem
But if one of my friends is less than happy
Then I'm less than happy
He's tried to remove the problem but they just don't seem to get the message
I'm annoyed by their tomfoolery
But again
There's not much I can do about that

Moving on

My family reunion is next week
So that should be.....
Interesting
My money is tied up in that and school and bills but that didn't stop me from buying shoes
Like Shoes shoes...heels n shit LOL
Pic coming soon
So sneakers will be on hiatus until September
Unless there is a price I cannot resist
But o well
My man likes me in heels better anyway LOL

So this has been a mini update
Be well

That is all

S'more Kicks III

These my newest family members
and i was lucky as hell to get them
True Story

My "silverados"

L B Dub

i guess no one told bowwow his career was over 8 yrs ago..but look at him now

Famous Chilli's Song (LOL)

So me and wally are still together.
*Happy Face Activated*
but there's a looming shadow growing larger and larger over
our relationship
that shadow is the deadline
i dont like thinking about when he leaves
it makes me anxious
and then i start obsessing over the negative instead of the positive
*Sad Face Activated*
so its june now
and i havent spent time with him
because our schedules constantly conflict with one another
i cant help but to feel lonely
july will be here
then august
then
nothing
its like this big ass black hole in my future
and im steadily drifting right towards it
but what do i tell him?
i dont want to nag him and make him feel like he's doing something wrong
he's not
this is just unfortunate circumstances
story of my life
i just wish i had more time

i want my baby back(repeat 7x) lol
that is all

S.M.F.H

I just had a conversation with Wally
and he says "I understand u felt attacked and you were and you were justified but why let him (N.I.K.E) bring you down?"
i say "because that muthafucka stepped completely out of line"
wally says "spewing this kind of hate just proves you still have strong feelings for him..it may not be love, but you and i both know Hating someone takes the same effort and diligence as loving someone"
and that hits me

but before i go on let me show and tell yall what transpired between me and little timmy last night

i was on twitter doing a trending topic on twitter called #deathto..here some of what i said

#deathto old women whose wigs are cocked to the side like its a fitted
#deathto uggs in hot ass weather
#deathto niggaz who keep failing at trying to have swag
#deathto reality show celebrities.. They aren't actors
#deathto to females who wear flipflops and have crusty ashy heels
#deathto niggaz who wear their hats so much that it starts to stink..eww

random shit that i either saw on the bus or things that i thought were funny when i see strangers do it..i must have wrote atleast 10 of 15 and then i went to check out my new followers and little timmy was one of them so i read his twitter (Bad Mistake..i mean i dont read his blog myspace or facebook but i decided to read his twitter *dumb face activated*)
and i see these recent #deathto tweets that were clearly shots at me..for ex:

#deathto pepsicola. <---- My alias
#deathto Those Who Wish Death On Me. Many Men!! Lol
#deathto Golden Dolphins. That Shit Is Tuna Fish. Lol <----My shoes
3deathto petty b****es that just...ah hell, #deathto petty Chicks Period. Fuck Em All
deathto girls who attack niggas for no reason
#deathto DC's, Adidas, Puma,s And Troops <----I wore dc's that day
#deathto Those Who Can't Realize A Trying individual

ANd im thinkin to myself WHAT THE FUCK..im gettin blasted on here and its totally unprovoked..but i try to calm down...i say "maybe im overreacting"
so i continue my random trend and check back later
so 15 mins go by and i check it.. and he's still going but one tweet he wrote was uncalled for and completely insulting

#deathto Women With Testosterone Overload

i've had enough at this point..i was not going stand idle to this onslaught..so i fired back and i pulled no punches:

#deathto niggaz who sit on a portable toilet seat to use their computers
#deathto niggaz who bitch and moan more than middle aged women on her period
#deathto niggaz who apparently are too small for a regular condoms
#deathto big ass niggas with seasame street shirts
#deathto niggaz who try to boo love on the house phone but then their grandmothers cut in and embarrass them
#deathto broke ass niggas with prepaid plans

and he kept going:

#deathto fasle Promises
#deathto Twitter Beef. I'm Full. lol
#deathto Niggas and bitches. Noone In Particular. Just Niggas And Bitches
#deathto Bitches Showing They True Colors No Wait...Keep Going!!!!
#deathto Narcissists
#death To Twitter Beef. If Shit Was So Aggy. Than Just Say It. Duh Nigga
#deathto Airing Out Dirty Laundry. I'm Soooo Humiliated!!!! Lol
#deathto Nostalgia http://twitpic.com/70u33 oops!
I'm Just Saying Though, #deathto A Potentially Weak But Productive "Friendship"
#deathto Those That Make Themselves the Victim. Oops Wont Contradict MySelf With That One. Right? Lol
#deathto Our Past http://twitpic.com/70ur5
#deathto More Twit Beef. What's Your Objective? It's Clear We'll Never Be Friends.

and i went even harder:

#deathto niggaz who get a gf just to feel better about hisself then breaks her heart when he's through using her
#deathto niggaz that live vicariously through his best friend..smh
my bad...not live through him...just jealous of him...so sad
#deathto niggaz that cant even finish community college...smfh
your right #deathto subliminals your right @Mr_Heartbreak.. all of those last tweets were about @MartianChild..attackin me for nothing bitch
#deathto niggaz cryin in their best friends basement about what they want so bad but just isnt man enough to get
and his friendship sux...who wants to be friends with a 5 yr old pigtailed bitch
o and #deathto his crusty ass lips
#deathto settling..i'll never relax my standards for a below average nigga again

come to find out..he started all this over over my tweet #deathto niggaz who wear their hats so much that it starts to stink..eww..there he goes again..thinkin im writin stuff about him again..he obviously is still unaware that my life does not and will not revolve around him..He assumed i took a shot at him and now look what happened but its my fault..i shouldnt have let him follow my twitter in the first place

I've felt indifferent about him for quite sometime now but now i just cant stand the nigga..and i wish i could get back to that indifference but he has thoroughly pissed me off once and for all and killed any type of love or care i had for him before last night.

Its dead...Six feet Under
i dont like to be attacked online
if your ass had a problem with what i wrote you should have addressed ME about it
not the internet
This type of juvenile behavior is sickening and im angry that i let him drag me down to that level again
but i know my mistakes and i wont let them happen again
obviously having access to my social networks is too much for you to handle
so be gone with you

this time for good
no alotted time passed will ever make me forgive or forget this internet slander and atrocity

that is all

Because I Could

so im at work listening to drake's "best i ever had"
and there are so many variations of this song with him and other ppl
so the version i was listening to was with nicki minaj
now dont get me wrong..i support her cuz she has my name lol
and she isnt that bad of a rapper
but i felt i could do better
so i wrote a verse
it might be better..it might not
oh well

that is all

"I'm the best u ever so baby stop lookin
And ladies don't even bother cuz this man's tookin
I mean taken
As in he takes me on vacations
And he just loves to spend on me the money that he's makin
He takes me dynamic places
And we discover indigenous races
Things u could not envision with ur imaginations
And it was so amazin
Internationally trailblazin
And I'll send u a postcard whenever the scenery changes
I'd love to see ur faces
Because I know it will be the Kodak of hatin
And that's ok
Cuz his love for me is blatant
And flagrant like a powerful fragrance
And I'll forever sing all his praises
My love for him is out this world so get ur spaceships
If u bitches wish to compete with me
But we are not made equally
U r not even considered to be his pedigree
Ur thermometers could never get to my degree
But u insist
On trying to get his attention
But he dismissed
You now I think u should desist
Cut out ur bullshit
And if u don't then u will be evaporated like the mist
And I'll tell ur family u'll be missed
Like the dearly departed
He is flyer than a comet
And I'm right on his tail
Like a tuxedo garment
Together we are like a supersonic
And we'll be richer than bill and his electronics
Our relationship is bionic
And we go together than the words in hooked on phonics
He gives me what I want and I dont even ask
And he can have whatever
Anything he never had
And money is no object
Even if he never got it
I would be happy if he had nothin but lint in his pockets
And we can weather any danger
And he works the dick better than exotic male entertainers
he puts the law down so i'll keep his retainer
And when he's in I grip him tighter than a bullet in a chamber
But these greedy bitches will never waiver
And with a man like that could I really blame her
But maybe he'll go for her because Stranger
Things have happened
And if he wants to leave me Then I won't stop from him from packin
When he goes off to be with all the rest
I'll remind him what he whispered all those nights layin on my chest
He said I'm the fuckin best"

my favorite poem

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
- maya angelou

S'more Kicks II

i dont know if they some cool name..but their mine..o yay

transformers

i would love some optimus primes

iPod Blog IV

So my mother is still in the hospital
God knows when they will release her
St. Agnes is slow as shit
I've spent too much time in this place
I don't like it
At all
Ppl are really annoying me
And they all stink
The filth LOL
Thank you to those who wished her a speedy recovery
Now pray for a speedy discharge
I need something to make me feel better
Perhaps shoes
Yeah shoes
But I dunno
Things are on my mind
I recently found out something
That made my outlook alittle crooked
And now
I don't know what to do about it
And then..
I realized it's may
And may is.....well nvm
That's not important
And now I'm tired
That is all

Tuesday morning

I have to take a test today
No not a final
Just a regular test
But I have this headache
This skull splitting headache
And medicine won't help and the test is @10
FUCK!!!!
But I have nothing to do after the test
Maybe I will roam downtown
And find my future husband there LOL
Ahhh if only
Another useless blog

That is all

S'more Kicks

i know what ur thinkin
"u dont need anymore fuckin shoes"
but u can never have enough of them
EVER
but these shoes are special
why?
because these are the first pair i own of their kind
and i've wanted them for quite some time now
and now
they belong to me
with more on the way...yay

Fools Rush In

so the relationship aspect of my life has been in a whirlwind
for the past yr
today is actually the anniversary of me giving up on the "Mountain Saga"
of my life...and it made me wonder
how different my life would be if i were still with him
and i realize
i'd be resentful..esp since he's off playing secret agent man somewhere
thats not the life for me
of course i still love him
but not as much as last yr lol
But I never took time to heal from that loss
Its important that you receive closure from that situation
and i never got it..at least not until months later
i was still getting mixed signals from him and he still had my heart
in this time, a new dude popped up
tho i could see the potential he had..i just wasnt ready to let go of my love for my ex
but he still wanted to try to change my mind..so i let him
as time went on i realized that new dude was the one to get me past the former
and he did..and i loved him for that
i loved him because he cared
so i figured id take things slow
so i dont botch up anything
but the word patience wasnt in dudes vocabulary anymore
and things went south
really quick
i still wonder how the hell that happened but oh well
cant cry over spilled milk
i still wanted his friendship
but that was another word that was no longer in his vocabulary
so that situation took up months
of hard work...HARD WORK
so again, i needed time to myself
but then wally popped up
he was already my friend
but he was really helpful in the situation
telling me to hang in there and shit would get better
even though we all know it got a hellovalot worse
but he still remained a constant friend
and then one day it was more
call it convenient (YEAH IT WAS)
but he's no longer convenient
he's a necessity
but he leaves in july
and if i go forward with him then heartbreak is inevitable
even though he thinks it wont be as bad as i make it to be
he's too fucking reassuring
and i believe him
so fuck it..i can handle heartbreak
its second nature for me
i've mastered the art of picking up the pieces and moving on
no diggidy no doubt baby

My Foolish Heart

i've tried for the past month to
smother out these growing feelings for my wally
but the simple fact that i see him as "my wally"
tells me just how far gone i've let myself get
i mean he leaves in july
why start something that will end abruptly
but why miss out on the happiest months I could have
a wise man told me "distance myself or get into a relationship and get my heart broken"
admitting that there will be heartbreak means there will be love
there already is

i've tried..
i really have
but he's spun his web
and im trapped in it
so i guess i'll make the best out of the months to come
and hope that the memories will be enough to sooth my aching heart when he's gone
but its hard to deal with the fact that something that is hand crafted perfectly for you
something so natural and effortless
is so short lived
but the motto of my life is
"i'll take what i can get"..and that shit works for me..and i know i can get him
point is
I love him
and my foolish heart wont let me
turn my back on that fact

Thank Most Of You

Since Saturday,
I've had the strangest damn cold
hell i thought it was swine flu
but it wasnt (YAY)
i usually dont get sick
because im nice like that lol
but this "bug"
felt more like i OD'd of some backwater crack
like i did some "V" straight true blood style
i was all delusional and seeing floating turtles
and pink ass rabbits
i even had a conversation with my cat
it was a really high fever that would break then shoot up again
i was convinced i was dying
i even sent a message to ppl telling them i was dying (JINKIES)
but im fine now..the antibiotics took hold and i feel almost normal
with the exception of my sinuses
so i'd like to thank everyone who checked up on me
via text or was actually on the phone listening to the rantings of a deranged sick person lol
thank you to all of you who answered my whacked out text and made sure i was still breathing
Even though i was blowing it out of proportion, i really thought i was dying at the time
so thx for answering the fluke bat signal anyway
I appreciate a your care and support

And for those of you who didn't call or text back
even though it did turn out to be me just imagining i was dying
a lil decency can go a long way
but i guess thats not the case with yall
so you all are officially uninvited to my funneral

that is all

New Moon

so Twilight Sage: New Moon has a wolf pack..
so far..o so good lol
but the movie is rank for me because of one blonde reason



Dakota Fanning?
Seriously??
eww

The Reasons Why I Always Owe AT&T my Whole Paycheck

Im a very withdrawn person
i dont like people
i dont go out looking for friends
i dont need people to like me
i dont need their approval
i dont need ppl to justify who i am and why im like that
i dont need to be in a social group
i dont want to be sociable
Im perfectly happy by myself
Im an only child
i learned how to entertain myself
without the need of other children
but like every adolescence, i went through the phase of needing to be wanted
to be popular, to be noticed and all that other rubbish
I learned that ppl were conniving, lying, jealous, selfish, two faced little posers
well at least middle schoolers were lol

So i began to re-evaluate the word "friend"
I realized i have a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends
real friends i can trust, depend on, respect, and love
now i will call these acquaintances friends
but only for their benefit, because their feelings are important
but my friends are my lifeline
the only ppl that I feel the need to go out my way for
The ones that deserve the very best from me
There are only a few ppl
Who I hold in such a high regard
Who I really treasure
But this blog is already long enough so let's cut to the chase
Out of these few ppl, there are four that stand out..they also stand out on my phone bill

1. Ms. Wallace - intro date: July 04 Monthly AT&T Usage: Over 5,000 m2m minutes
1500 texts
its very rare to be blessed with the opportunity to meet a dynamic person in your lifetime, let alone share a incredible friendship with them.And I found that in her. Ironically enough it was right across the trayline lol..I could go on and on about you. U are my other half, my sister, my ace, my best friend. You know me like the back of your hand and it feels like I've known you all my life. I'd do anything for you and you have already proven you would do the same for me.

2. Mr. Johnson - intro date: Jan. 08 Monthly At&T Usage: 1800 m2m minutes 1200 texts
He became my sounding broading and my crutch. You have seen me through my toughest relationship, seen me bounce back from the love of my life, seen me struggle for something as simple as a friendship yet get nothing at all. You watched it all and took notes LOL. Now it's your time to shine and boy you light up like city lights. You make me happy and I hope I do the same for you.

3. Mr. Webb - intro date: Nov. 08 Monthly AT&T Usage: 400 minutes 1200 texts
His ability to care for ppl astounds me. You are such a unique person with such a profound clarity of life. Your empathic nature makes it easy to talk to you. I value your advice and input. Even though I know ppl try to take advantage of your kindness, I hope you know that I would never do that to you. I don't care who doesn't like us being friends because I'm not going to give you up for anything. You are the realest nigga I know

4. Ms. Harris - intro date: Aug. 05 Monthly AT&T Usage: 12 mb of Internet answering her on myspace lol
I have too much in common with her. I feel as though we have the same struggle in life. The same problems the same desires. We just display our feelings differently. I don't think there's anyone whose made me laugh harder than you. We don't need to spend hours on the phone. Just know that I'm always there for you. And I'm just a myspace message away to kick someones ass for you.

So there you have it. Not saying that these are my only real friends
Just the ones that make their presence felt the most
My favorites
Don't like it?
That sounds like a personal problem, take that up with your local physican

That is all

Proud Momma

This is my new child
affectionately named child #2

that is all

Let's not be too hasty

so I have this friend
Great guy
A real heart of gold type of person
Who happens to keep attracting fake metals
But o well
Life is not fair nor easy
But he understands that
So he keeps on keeping on
That's the way you got to be
But lately things have gone sideways with his brother
But brothers fight...that's what any closely connected ppl do
But they get past it
But it doesn't look like things will work that way this time
In fact they don't look like they will work out at all
I feel responsible
I am responsible
No matter if he says it not my fault (because that's the type of man he is)
We all know it is
I wrote some things in anger that backfired on him instead of myself
No I'm not sorry for writing them because I meant every word
I'm not taking them back or deleting anything
But I will apologize for his grief over this situation
And it's public knowledge that me and his brother do not and will not get along
Not because of his actions.. Rather his warped thought process
And I care less and less for him everyday
But my dislike for his brother cannot and will not
Condone them cutting each other off
Because b4 me it was them
And that's how it should be afterwards
Doesn't matter who friends with who and what they think
The brotherhood counts
The bond matters
Now maybe he doesn't trust u now
Or u can't deal with his demeanor
But the fact is
There's a six yr friendship on the line here
Blood sweat and tears have been shed by both parties
Now decide if it's worth giving up
And if it's not..then who's gonna be man enough to save it

That is all

The Running Man

iPod Blog 3

I'm unsettled
I guess when you like someone
Alot
And they dont do something u wanted them to do
It makes u....unsettled
I guess I will have to get over it
But the sad part is..they don't even know why
You aren't happy with them
And they don't fix it
So you stay mad
Until they do fix it
I could tell them what the problem is
But they are supposed to know me really well
So u figure it out
LOL
O well
I have no choice but to get over it
Ugh

Golden Dolphins

so i've been in the mood to buy shoes...
heels no less
???????
yeah crazy i know
but all the ones i want arent exactly for summer time
i.e. my feet will be hot ass shit!!!

so i figure i'd go for nikes
to cheer me up on my heel dilemma
lol
ironically i found these dunks with red high heels on the side lol
but they are black
and im trying to break away from that for awhile
but alil black in a shoe wont hurt..

which led me to these other dunks i've been wanting for weeks
they were so offy lookin lol
but now they are being worn by someone else
and i can't wear the same pair they have
so...
i looked
and searched....
and finally
found these on sale



and now i dont have a shirt to match
but that gives me a reason to do more shopping
yay!!!!!

that is all

OMG HP:HBP

iPod blog 2

so Its another morning
And I instantly wish today will be as great as yesterday
But I won't see wally today so that automaticall makes it
Lacklustered
Lol
But I see My other nigga today
My former cut buddy
It used to be awkward to be around him
Ya know with him being in love with me and all LOL
But I think he's past that now
But I got a feeling that he thinks
He's gonna get somethin other than a hello hug today
That ain't gonna happen
So I'll just sit on the other side of the room from him
There is no whatever happens happens
Because I may not call what me and wally have a relationship
But we are exclusive
And I'm not tempted by that other nigga

And then there's work which will be fine because
My other half will be there
And there won't be pests there tonight either

TGIF

That's all

Good Morning

"some ppl graduate but be still stupid" - Mr. West

As i sit here this morning waiting for wally
i think about my thoughts lol
and my dreams
and this is how they go:

my leg hurts!!!!! seriously its scratched up on my calf and my upper thigh
that fucks up my shorts plans for the summer

crazy oryan got me dreaming about star wars
more like yoda fighting vulcans lol

"pussy ass niggas got a whole bunch of nerve, i'll have them put ur picture on a whole bunch of shirts"

someone owes me money...but who????

im still lost watchin lost lol

slow strokin wouldnt be bad right about now lmao

i need a new phone because my blackjack is killing itself softly

i need more memory on my ipod

cat for sale

today is great sunglasses attire day

work will actually be good today

again...oryann has the frosted flakes song stuck in my head

eggs in basket are good..and now i'll go make it


that is all

Get the Fuck off My Blog

This blog is the last one im gonna write about little timmy

if you dont like it..dont fuckin read it

so i hear whispers
that you think im spiteful, bitter
even jealous
from what i put in my blogs and on my myspace
how stupid r u
dont fuckin read them then
keep your clown ass off of them
its quite simple
my life is no concern of yours
so dont look at the things that discuss it
i said i was happy for you
that i still wanted to be friends but u wanted no part in that
fine
so dont worry about who im friends with
thats not ur fuckin business
its not you so move the fuck on
u have a girlfreind remember?
all ur statuses are about her
thats great
u have a blog about her
even better
but as soon as i write a few lines about the man in my life..im spiteful
what retarded ass thinkin is that?
ur upset cuz its not you
it never was you
it never will be you
why?
cuz ur just another aint shit nigger
ur nothing but a pain in the ass to anyone who ever has the misfortune of knowing you
ur a pitiful whiny crybaby
a fraud to manhood
and you disgust me

you may read this..you may not
i dont give a fuck
i can say it to ur face
it makes me no nevermind
so keep my name out your mouth
dont think about me
dont write about me
keep it to urself

that is all

how bout some corbin bleu for my salad

Where did his hair go? where did that hair on his face come from??
now he looks sexy
mm mm good

i do declare

so its seems as tho my friends seem to be having some relationship dilemmas
im sure as hell not one to tell them how to handle it
but i find it interesting how they all have relationships now
what happened to our singles only club?
looks like that club has been disbanded
but now yall got problems to follow that "L" word

one of them called off her engagement
one is afraid to actually fall in love with the dude
one just got his heart broken..again
one has a philandering boyfriend
one cant handle the stress of a long distance relationship
one cant get his girlfriend to forgive him
and to him i say
maybe u should try acting ur age not ur dick size

but me?
Im worry free in that department
No fuss
No muss
No stress
No mess
Not vexed
just good sex
lol jk

Its a good feeling
He's my good feeling
He's mine and he's comfortable with whatever we choose to be
he's my gravity
the reason for random smiles on my face
and even tho i only have him until august
it will be the best damn summer since malachi
and i look forward to it
he's like kix
'kid tested, mother approved'
life is bright

but the dark side still calls to me...
and eventually i'll answer

iPod blog

so I've been up since 6 am.
My mother has a bad habit of waking me up
And talking to me before she goes to work
But this time I couldn't go back to sleep
Things were on my mind
Things that I'm not sure I can do anything about
Mainly because I might make those situations worse
It sucks being useless
O well...that's the hand I was dealt
My HBK advisor has told me to stay away from someone
To not have any communication
Because it might make the case worse
I understand that
But I haven't followed it
In fact, I've had several conversations with them
Nothing horrible has happened
I see no relapse
I think it's in the past
So why dwell on it
Why not speak to them
Maybe this time they will believe I actually care
It's under different circumstances now
So why not see if it will turn out better
I see
It's because I have someone else to consider
I don't see that as a problem
He knows where he stands and he's comfortable there
So why not mend broken fences in my free time?
As long as the new fence doesn't block my new path
Yeah I know
Build along side of the path
I get it
I can handle that
I think

help?

i miss my shoe dude (thats right i said i miss him..and?)
but he see's it fit not to talk to me
rather talk about me to others
but thats not the point
he's not here to go "hmmmm" with me

so do you know what these are called
because i cant keep callin them "pretty fly"



or the type of supras these are?

Picnic Wear

so i need an outfit for my family reunion picnic
and i have to be fresher then those country bumpkins
so i found some good picnic shoes

care to donate?

Vader Haters

all my life
i've slipped in and out
of the "dark side"
its just the way i am
I was mostly a good faithful jedi
and sometimes i was seduced by the dark side
but i never crossed over
until i was 16
thats when i realized....
there were no limitions
carefree
do as you want and to hell with anybody else
but i still clung to the light
hoping on hope
the 'x' severed that cord..
and i fell to the dark side
no remorse
no compassion
no sympathy
no mercy
no regret
it was all out of fear
fear leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side
i was afraid to let anything that close again
so i destroyed it before it got close enough
i treated it as a threat and threats were annihilated.
emotion was a weakness
my heart was my biggest vulnerability
so i constructed a shield
to cover it
its called pride
its also my biggest weapon
when it is wounded..there is hell to pay
i went yrs like this
this move or be moved mentality
the hurt them before they hurt you mindset.
It was on auto pilot
but then i saw light
but the dark side doesnt relinquish control over you that easily
so thats been my struggle now
flippin back and forth
but i've found a happy medium
some ppl find this behavior hard to deal with
they dont understand
how could they
i dont expect them to
they leave the puzzle unsolved
maybe they need simpler things
o well

deal it or fold
this is me
in all my gory glory
either love it
or move aside for someone who will

Timothy...I thought y'all should know about him

he's wonderful
He's kind
He's generous
He's a little cheap but o well
He's compassionate
He's loving
He's reliable
He charming
He's understanding
He looks out for my best interests
He's one of a kind
He has great taste in music
He's awesome

And I love him
He's the man in my life
I'm talkin about timothy

My father
Timothy Lipscomb
Hi dad!

LMAO

"ur so vain......."

As If

i feel as tho ppl have been playing on my sympathy
my guilt
my regret
i feel as tho someone has been playing me for a fool
and i understand that everybody plays the fool sometimes
and there are no exceptions to the rule
but...
that doesnt mean i have to accept that fate
so fuck it
fuck it all
i won't get mad or even
i just wont deal with it
it can now forever talk to my back
cuz i no longer see it
im takin my show on the road
to a new audience

My Name is Nicole Shante Lipscomb
and i have No Sympathy Left

April's Fool

sigh...
I've had this feeling all day
this feeling of..
regret i guess idk
i just keeping wishing would someone would run up and scream APRIL FOOLS to me
telling me the last few months have been one big prank
and things would get back on track
but no one is gonna do that
it has occured to me that i haven't written any poems lately
mostly because i've had this writer's block called stress
the stress is gone but the block is still there
i feel like i need to write
but i've said everything i needed to say
everything i could say
everything but one question
why couldnt he just believe me in the first place?
there..so it is written lol
so now its time to move on...

haha Wally just sent me Gotcha!!
yeah i wish it were that easy...

Which reminds me
i need some new male friends
i guess i've scared most of them away
that and the others went off to the service
all i got now is wally and oryan
and maybe even......no i dont think he'll be speaking to me anytime soon
so i need new ones

now accepting applications

He got his own

so by now the word has spread
the running theme of my blog
has got a girlfriend
all eyes on me now
cuz you all expect me to be jealous
but im not
no really im not
stop holding ur breaths
cuz im not gonna do ur huffin and puffin for you
let it ride out
so you might say
damn bitch, you just dont care at all?
no im not sayin that either
see i chose to be happy for him..for them both
why would i do otherwise?
i dont want to keep him from pure happiness
and if this woman gives it to him so be it
so now its time to lock my feelings up
but i've mastered that already
but its always harder to do when u know u've been replaced
especially when he said u weren't going to be replaced..and then bam u are
but he's happy so i'm happy
im free now
free from guilt
torment agony
hurt from not being trusted
free from stress
so theres nothing that gives me cause for pause..nothing? at all?
well that would be a lie to say theres nothing
i find it interesting that after saturdays extremely long debate and the feelings were still there
that monday it was a different story
sat was the 28th yet their official date is the 27th...so was sat. a sham? a facade?
i guess i'll never know
and the second thing is that..
get this
yall ready???
homie oryan actually got to me
somehow his words actually got through my stubborn exterior
he convinced me of what needed to be done to prove myself
and even tho i was weary of the outcome
i was gonna take matters into my own hands
so all i needed to do was think about it and present it
i guess if i hadnt signed onto myspace i would have embarassed myself
so im thankful
but those things dont matter
he found someone that fits him
she's sweeter than me and cant be gotten out of a bottle
im too much work..and not really worth it
im free and he's taken
all is right with the world
right?

we'll see...

but dont worry about me
"oh no not i..i will survive
o as long as i know how to love i know i'll stay alive
cuz i got all my life to live and i got all my love to give
i'll survive
i will survive
hey hey"

thoughts before work

as i ready myself to go to work
my mind runs with thoughts
so i will blog them so i remember them later
after i finish my mindless job

1. I HATE SPECIAL K!!!!
2. im in need of new nikes
3. im in need of a new phone
3. im free!!!!!!!!!!!
4. he's happy and thats the most important thing
5. i need to do some serious school work
6. stress kills so plz take care of urself o-ryan
7. i hope quettas grandfather is okay

and the most important things on my mind
two things i must hast
1.htc TP2
2.Wall-e (No not the robot)

so i feel good
and guilt free
so lets see how all this plays out

secret agent man

so my ex
(the good one not 'X')
Left for training yesterday
Some special forces stuff I guess
And he will be out of complete contact for close to 9 months
Leaving behind his devoted girlfriend
Yes girlfriend
You may think
"damn if these two were so in love how come he got over you so quick"
Well..I sorta pushed him to
But that's a different story
So I wonder to myself
Could I have done it?
I feared this day forever that lifestyle
I didn't want it I was afraid I couldn't handle it
But yo girl can
So why couldn't I?
Then I realize..
I'm too stubborn paranoid and jealous for that
And somehow that comforts me
It let's me know that at least someone will be there to support him in the ways I can't
So u go be the best secret agent man u can be
And I will keep the promise I made you before you left

Godspeed soldier boy

third love

this song is called first love by ADELE
And it speaks to me
It fits my situation
Except for the phrase first love
So I changed it to third love LOL:

So little to say
But so much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
Please wear the face
The one where you smile
Because it lightens up my heart
When I start to cry
Forgive me third love
But I'm tired
I need to get away to feel again
Try to understand why
Don't get too close to change my mind
Please wipe that look out of ur eye
It's bribing me to doubt myself
Simply cuz it's tiring
This love is dried up and stayed behind
And if I stay I would be a lie
And choke on words I'd always hide
Excuse me third love but we're through
I need to taste a kiss from someone new
Forgive me third love but I'm too tired
I'm bored to say the least and I,I lack desire
Forgive me third love
Forgive me third love
Forgive me third love

save me

Some men think they need to save the damsel in distress
Some women would love this
To be with their knight in shining armor
But some women don't need this
Yeah it's nice to see then there are exception to the nigger rule
But they don't need to be saved

Like me

My recent situation for the past ten months
Has been based off of one big misconception
A false perception
That I needed to be saved
I broke up with MEL
The love of my life
My end all be all
My supposed future
My perfect match
And all that other shit LOL

I was....dismantled, heartshattered
And all that other shit LOL
I needed time...time to revamp my life
Decide what direction to take now
Time to work him out of my system

In rides TKC
So eager to prove that good men were
Still out there
That he could love me better
That he could treat me better
To be the exception
To be my knight in shining armor
But..
I wasn't interested
Not in a relationship at least
But I believed he could make a wonderful friend

I was flattered but not impressed
I didn't want to be impressed
I already had my good man
My exception
He already loved me in ways unimaginable
And he always treated me good with respect
Our break up wasn't traditional
It was basically whoever got over their pride first and we would have been back together
But our lives were going in different directions
And I wasn't prepared to follow his so we split

I didn't need to be saved
I didn't need all the fanfare
The attention
All of that wasn't necessary
I'm not a conventional female
That stuff doesn't make me feel better

But there was no stopping TKC
So I let him do it
I figured maybe down the line he would be good boyfriend material

Months past and he was still a good friend
Weird...but good
And he wanted more, more than I was ready to give
So I told him give me time and when I'm over MEL I will give us a shot
There was my mistake (my first one)
Hope

Hope makes ppl more eager
More anxious
More willing to see it through
I know this I didn't think it would be a problem
He could stand to wait little more
It would be worth it
I care about him so much that I'm willing to make sure no old feelings or past issues would get in our way
And I'm the only one that can insure that
Its my problem to fix..no help needed
Then
TKC was in love
And I still told him to wait
Another mistake
U never tell an eager beaver he can't build his dam
But what else could I do?
A relationship still wasn't in my hand to play yet
But he still took it well...so I thought

I guess my words didn't match my actions
Cuz he didn't feel secure in his place
Again,what did he want me to do?
I'm a very non chalant person until u piss me off
I'm not as affectionate as most females but
I thought he was more emotional that most males
A clash in our personalities
Nothing that couldn't be worked out
So we went along
Until

He got too antsy
My pace was too slow for him
my gestures weren't big enough
so he lashed out
foolishly
for my attention
instead of seeing this as a cry for help..for need
i took it as a hostile act
and i struck back
another mistake
you dont fight fire with gasoline

so the smokes clears...sorta
and what is left is not what i had before
the potential that was there has been replaced with a litany of things i don't want
but i still hold out hope for the former to rise from the ashes
so i try to retrace my steps
start the friendship fresh
hoping that maybe things will be rekindled
but alas..more destruction
so now i think maybe if i stop thinking about it as a future relationship and just focus on the friendship part
take off the pressure
take away the anxiety
wrong

this was misconstrued as i didnt care
that hurt
im trying to find solutions here
yet he takes it as i dont care
and now he wonders if i ever cared
how hurtful
as if i just said all of those things to pass time
i resent this
but i still want the friendship
but i keep getting negative feedback
everyones telling me how hurt he is
how distraught
how much he's suffering
how much he's struggling
to push these feelings aside
and everyones wondering how i do it so well
so it does look like i dont care

what can say?
i like to suffer in the privacy of my own walls
showing emotion has backfired on me before
been used against me
so i adapted
it has nothing to do with him

so i'm here listening and watching
realizing that he is putting his life on hold
to stay miserable with me
we keep counteracting each other
when it goes good he's suspicious
and when it goes bad i'm too annoyed to deal with it
a crossroad
one of us will have to change to make this work
but we're too stubborn to do so
and if we attempt to change..we eventually revert back

what type of person would i be to let him stay in this suspended state
i know that we just aren't working
but he doesn't want to accept it
or he knows but he doesn't want to be the one to stop it
he does what he thinks i want him to do
but never tells me what he wants no matter how much i ask
so i do what needs to be done
i let go
i cant condone this vicious cycle
its not good for anyone involved
i'll save himself if he wont.
of course this is taken as i dont care again
but i wont object
he needs to believe whatever he needs to so he can move on
to heal
and i?
thats what i do best..i'll play the bad guy if it makes things easier
his happiness is all that matters
and i'm not the one who does that anymore

so what now?
i dont know
maybe he will mature into the person i know is there
maybe i'll shed some of this heavy armor ppl keep smashing themselves into
or maybe he'll find someone and forget all about me
one thing is for certain

i still love him

that hasnt changed
but love isnt always enough
and thats a hard rule ppl learn the hard way

but in the end
i was saved
inadvertently lol
this crazy thingy made me realize
that men are still worth my woes, disappointment and sorrows
and that im not as unlovable as i thought

yay for me
i guess

i am sry that i couldnt be what he needed
im sry for his heartache
that was what i was trying to prevent
i just wanted time to fix my issues so that i could give you the relationship you deserved
i had nothing but good intentions
but u know what they say

good intentions pave the road to hell

back track, think back

when I wake up in the morning and my alarm clock starts to going
I don't think that imma make it on time
By the time I grab books and I give myself a look
I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by.

High school. Four yrs ago I was a senior at lansdowne high.
Nothing special was happening. I was in pain because of X. Heartbroken. But I hid it well
I could always hide it well
Maybe that's my super power, to hide those vulnerable emotions
To gather the scattered pieces of my life and move on
Making it look easy for on lookers.
Or maybe it's a curse...o well
But yeah..he bitched me, got me good
And I hated him for it
But that didn't ruin my sense of humor because apparently I did get the last laugh
My life went on..things were so simple then

I believe I would have been going to an award luncheon today
To celebrate my accomplishments throughout the yr and yrs
My mother wouldn't come to it ...no matter
She would go to the bigger more important banquet for the better award
But my boss came
And she acted like a proud mother
This should have been a happy easy day despite running around making sure things were ready and dreading reading an introduction in public
But I was still raw and bleeding from X's mayhem.

Fast forward four yrs
I still have the scar but it's faded
I still work the job but only until college is over
I still have my sense of humor
But I still hurt
Different reasons now and not as much as before
But I still hide it well
To my own detrement.

my same

sometimes the whole you left hurts my heart, so bad it cuts through the deepest parts of me.
You should know that you're just a temporary fix this isn't rooted with you,you don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in a space that happened to be free, how dare you think you'll get away with trying to play me.
Go head and steal my heart and make me cry again,cuz it will never hurt as much as it did then.
As you tear your way right through me, I forgive you once again, without me knowing, you burn my heart to stone.
And everytime I'm meant to be actin sensible you drift into my head and turn me in to a crumbling fool.
Forgive first love but I'm tired, I need to get away to feel again.

Ah yes ADELE... I understand that completely.
That whole passage are quite a few songs put together but I've felt every line before.
And probably will again.
Me and love....still have our trials and tribulations but I'm never without it.
So I won't wallow and sulk for love, but I won't act foolish and naive about it either.
I know the power of it
How it can be absolute or destroy absolutely
So I proceed with caution
Extreme caution
So I look forward for our next bout love
Maybe this time I will be the victor

My Precious

oohhhhh aaahhh

Forgive Me First Love But...

I recently discovered that my 2nd boyfriend (the first boy i fell in love with) is
HIV positive

I found out from a mutual acquaintance who used to be a good friend of mine
she used to be
until i found out she has a taste for my sloppy seconds
(she even tried to take the meal while i was eating it)
Well these cold leftovers happened to be old and tainted
now she might have food poisoning

oh well
silly rabbit..trix are for kids

so she tells me as if to say that i might have it too
huh?
because your ho'ish ways might finally make you pay the ultimate price
i have to suffer too?
no fly boo
eX was nearly 5 yrs ago
you should have got papers on your mutt before you laid down and picked up his flees
my paper got more negatives signs on it than a subtraction quiz
and they're recent
so I'll enjoy my health while you worry about yours
does that sound harsh?
oh well thats ur personal opinion that means nothing to me

as for you ex,
i told you the day we broke up : "i hope you get beat the fuck up by a STD"
well it looks like its happening
if you would have just been faithful..and a better personality..and a better body...and have been a different person all together..im sure we could have worked out

but alas..you are there and i am here
forgive me if i don't give you some comforting words..some uplifting speech..some inspiration
because you never once gave it to me

God have mercy on your soul

22nd Power

Nicole Will Be 22 Tomorrow

I feel old..i've been out of high school for 4 yrs and i still dont have a degree yet
but oh well
life don't always work the way you want it to
and i'm just gonna HM that
so how does one celebrate that birthday?
One works lol
i don't have a sugar daddy (now accepting applications) so i have to get my own
but it's cool i got it, i got it, i got it
so what does one want for that birthday?
money!!!i need my hair did and driving school money
The last two yrs i've wanted phones which i brought..and i still want another phone too lol but that can wait..driving is much more important (donations are accepted)

so how does one feel?

Like life is like a box of chocolates..it takes ur good parts, goobles u up then shits those out and leaves the rest of you to grow old and stale

thems the breaks, just don't ride on em'

I See

so i wake up at 4am...to arguing and cramps. PMS is kickin my ass and my parents can't seem to keep their facade of a happy home from falling apart. The nostalgia makes me nauseous. so i put on my ipod and surf the net

i check my myspace. nothing new..but my top 24 is different. some strange white person is #24 that can only mean that someone was deleted or rather they deleted me. i quickly scan and then i see it..the running focal point of 70% of my blog is no longer on my top.I've been deleted.

Looking for an explanation, i turn to blogspot. i see two new posts..so i read
As i read, this thought runs through my mind "huh? what the fuck? surely him not puttin back a damn bottle of juice and me callin him an ignorant nigger didn't warrant this type of onslaught. I mean he's always does niggerish shit when he feels like thats just what he does and im the one left there with ppl askin me what his problem is..but thats just what he does. i expect it now..but that one incident didnt require two slanderous blogs. did it?"

So i analyzed and took in every word and thats when i realized "he's talkin about my three recent blogs". Two of those blogs were poems written by other ppl. one of which was written by a myspace friend who messaged me to read and pass it along..which i did. The other was written by my best friend who happens to be a excellent poet and that poem has been a personal favorite of mine for months. I figured i'd put it somewhere i can see it instead of scrolling through all her others to get to it. the third one was just an update on how i felt at that point of my life. something that was drafted on Saturday but i didnt post it til Monday. i felt like updating my blog WITHOUT the Tim theme. I didnt think i'd have to explain what i choose to put on MY BLOG. I guess you felt attacked somehow. i don't see it. So let it be known that everything IS NOT about you. Im sorry you felt the need to retaliate to something that truly was not about you. But then again i get the feeling that is how you felt for a while now and you were just waiting for the time to write it.

And Boy what writings they were..Im blown away..baffled. They top "Eh..Whatever" by miles. I'm riddled with fury..sick with it. I havent wanted to cause harm to someone this badly in years. Every fiber of me wants to just straight blast you. So many things want to be said..I could sit here and just write something that would make you look like a pitiful bitch or i could go to work and cause some real damage...but what good would that do?

really?
how will help?

it won't so there is no need for me to say anything
believe everything you need to