He got his own

so by now the word has spread
the running theme of my blog
has got a girlfriend
all eyes on me now
cuz you all expect me to be jealous
but im not
no really im not
stop holding ur breaths
cuz im not gonna do ur huffin and puffin for you
let it ride out
so you might say
damn bitch, you just dont care at all?
no im not sayin that either
see i chose to be happy for him..for them both
why would i do otherwise?
i dont want to keep him from pure happiness
and if this woman gives it to him so be it
so now its time to lock my feelings up
but i've mastered that already
but its always harder to do when u know u've been replaced
especially when he said u weren't going to be replaced..and then bam u are
but he's happy so i'm happy
im free now
free from guilt
torment agony
hurt from not being trusted
free from stress
so theres nothing that gives me cause for pause..nothing? at all?
well that would be a lie to say theres nothing
i find it interesting that after saturdays extremely long debate and the feelings were still there
that monday it was a different story
sat was the 28th yet their official date is the 27th...so was sat. a sham? a facade?
i guess i'll never know
and the second thing is that..
get this
yall ready???
homie oryan actually got to me
somehow his words actually got through my stubborn exterior
he convinced me of what needed to be done to prove myself
and even tho i was weary of the outcome
i was gonna take matters into my own hands
so all i needed to do was think about it and present it
i guess if i hadnt signed onto myspace i would have embarassed myself
so im thankful
but those things dont matter
he found someone that fits him
she's sweeter than me and cant be gotten out of a bottle
im too much work..and not really worth it
im free and he's taken
all is right with the world
right?

we'll see...

but dont worry about me
"oh no not i..i will survive
o as long as i know how to love i know i'll stay alive
cuz i got all my life to live and i got all my love to give
i'll survive
i will survive
hey hey"

thoughts before work

as i ready myself to go to work
my mind runs with thoughts
so i will blog them so i remember them later
after i finish my mindless job

1. I HATE SPECIAL K!!!!
2. im in need of new nikes
3. im in need of a new phone
3. im free!!!!!!!!!!!
4. he's happy and thats the most important thing
5. i need to do some serious school work
6. stress kills so plz take care of urself o-ryan
7. i hope quettas grandfather is okay

and the most important things on my mind
two things i must hast
1.htc TP2
2.Wall-e (No not the robot)

so i feel good
and guilt free
so lets see how all this plays out

secret agent man

so my ex
(the good one not 'X')
Left for training yesterday
Some special forces stuff I guess
And he will be out of complete contact for close to 9 months
Leaving behind his devoted girlfriend
Yes girlfriend
You may think
"damn if these two were so in love how come he got over you so quick"
Well..I sorta pushed him to
But that's a different story
So I wonder to myself
Could I have done it?
I feared this day forever that lifestyle
I didn't want it I was afraid I couldn't handle it
But yo girl can
So why couldn't I?
Then I realize..
I'm too stubborn paranoid and jealous for that
And somehow that comforts me
It let's me know that at least someone will be there to support him in the ways I can't
So u go be the best secret agent man u can be
And I will keep the promise I made you before you left

Godspeed soldier boy

third love

this song is called first love by ADELE
And it speaks to me
It fits my situation
Except for the phrase first love
So I changed it to third love LOL:

So little to say
But so much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
Please wear the face
The one where you smile
Because it lightens up my heart
When I start to cry
Forgive me third love
But I'm tired
I need to get away to feel again
Try to understand why
Don't get too close to change my mind
Please wipe that look out of ur eye
It's bribing me to doubt myself
Simply cuz it's tiring
This love is dried up and stayed behind
And if I stay I would be a lie
And choke on words I'd always hide
Excuse me third love but we're through
I need to taste a kiss from someone new
Forgive me third love but I'm too tired
I'm bored to say the least and I,I lack desire
Forgive me third love
Forgive me third love
Forgive me third love

save me

Some men think they need to save the damsel in distress
Some women would love this
To be with their knight in shining armor
But some women don't need this
Yeah it's nice to see then there are exception to the nigger rule
But they don't need to be saved

Like me

My recent situation for the past ten months
Has been based off of one big misconception
A false perception
That I needed to be saved
I broke up with MEL
The love of my life
My end all be all
My supposed future
My perfect match
And all that other shit LOL

I was....dismantled, heartshattered
And all that other shit LOL
I needed time...time to revamp my life
Decide what direction to take now
Time to work him out of my system

In rides TKC
So eager to prove that good men were
Still out there
That he could love me better
That he could treat me better
To be the exception
To be my knight in shining armor
But..
I wasn't interested
Not in a relationship at least
But I believed he could make a wonderful friend

I was flattered but not impressed
I didn't want to be impressed
I already had my good man
My exception
He already loved me in ways unimaginable
And he always treated me good with respect
Our break up wasn't traditional
It was basically whoever got over their pride first and we would have been back together
But our lives were going in different directions
And I wasn't prepared to follow his so we split

I didn't need to be saved
I didn't need all the fanfare
The attention
All of that wasn't necessary
I'm not a conventional female
That stuff doesn't make me feel better

But there was no stopping TKC
So I let him do it
I figured maybe down the line he would be good boyfriend material

Months past and he was still a good friend
Weird...but good
And he wanted more, more than I was ready to give
So I told him give me time and when I'm over MEL I will give us a shot
There was my mistake (my first one)
Hope

Hope makes ppl more eager
More anxious
More willing to see it through
I know this I didn't think it would be a problem
He could stand to wait little more
It would be worth it
I care about him so much that I'm willing to make sure no old feelings or past issues would get in our way
And I'm the only one that can insure that
Its my problem to fix..no help needed
Then
TKC was in love
And I still told him to wait
Another mistake
U never tell an eager beaver he can't build his dam
But what else could I do?
A relationship still wasn't in my hand to play yet
But he still took it well...so I thought

I guess my words didn't match my actions
Cuz he didn't feel secure in his place
Again,what did he want me to do?
I'm a very non chalant person until u piss me off
I'm not as affectionate as most females but
I thought he was more emotional that most males
A clash in our personalities
Nothing that couldn't be worked out
So we went along
Until

He got too antsy
My pace was too slow for him
my gestures weren't big enough
so he lashed out
foolishly
for my attention
instead of seeing this as a cry for help..for need
i took it as a hostile act
and i struck back
another mistake
you dont fight fire with gasoline

so the smokes clears...sorta
and what is left is not what i had before
the potential that was there has been replaced with a litany of things i don't want
but i still hold out hope for the former to rise from the ashes
so i try to retrace my steps
start the friendship fresh
hoping that maybe things will be rekindled
but alas..more destruction
so now i think maybe if i stop thinking about it as a future relationship and just focus on the friendship part
take off the pressure
take away the anxiety
wrong

this was misconstrued as i didnt care
that hurt
im trying to find solutions here
yet he takes it as i dont care
and now he wonders if i ever cared
how hurtful
as if i just said all of those things to pass time
i resent this
but i still want the friendship
but i keep getting negative feedback
everyones telling me how hurt he is
how distraught
how much he's suffering
how much he's struggling
to push these feelings aside
and everyones wondering how i do it so well
so it does look like i dont care

what can say?
i like to suffer in the privacy of my own walls
showing emotion has backfired on me before
been used against me
so i adapted
it has nothing to do with him

so i'm here listening and watching
realizing that he is putting his life on hold
to stay miserable with me
we keep counteracting each other
when it goes good he's suspicious
and when it goes bad i'm too annoyed to deal with it
a crossroad
one of us will have to change to make this work
but we're too stubborn to do so
and if we attempt to change..we eventually revert back

what type of person would i be to let him stay in this suspended state
i know that we just aren't working
but he doesn't want to accept it
or he knows but he doesn't want to be the one to stop it
he does what he thinks i want him to do
but never tells me what he wants no matter how much i ask
so i do what needs to be done
i let go
i cant condone this vicious cycle
its not good for anyone involved
i'll save himself if he wont.
of course this is taken as i dont care again
but i wont object
he needs to believe whatever he needs to so he can move on
to heal
and i?
thats what i do best..i'll play the bad guy if it makes things easier
his happiness is all that matters
and i'm not the one who does that anymore

so what now?
i dont know
maybe he will mature into the person i know is there
maybe i'll shed some of this heavy armor ppl keep smashing themselves into
or maybe he'll find someone and forget all about me
one thing is for certain

i still love him

that hasnt changed
but love isnt always enough
and thats a hard rule ppl learn the hard way

but in the end
i was saved
inadvertently lol
this crazy thingy made me realize
that men are still worth my woes, disappointment and sorrows
and that im not as unlovable as i thought

yay for me
i guess

i am sry that i couldnt be what he needed
im sry for his heartache
that was what i was trying to prevent
i just wanted time to fix my issues so that i could give you the relationship you deserved
i had nothing but good intentions
but u know what they say

good intentions pave the road to hell

back track, think back

when I wake up in the morning and my alarm clock starts to going
I don't think that imma make it on time
By the time I grab books and I give myself a look
I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by.

High school. Four yrs ago I was a senior at lansdowne high.
Nothing special was happening. I was in pain because of X. Heartbroken. But I hid it well
I could always hide it well
Maybe that's my super power, to hide those vulnerable emotions
To gather the scattered pieces of my life and move on
Making it look easy for on lookers.
Or maybe it's a curse...o well
But yeah..he bitched me, got me good
And I hated him for it
But that didn't ruin my sense of humor because apparently I did get the last laugh
My life went on..things were so simple then

I believe I would have been going to an award luncheon today
To celebrate my accomplishments throughout the yr and yrs
My mother wouldn't come to it ...no matter
She would go to the bigger more important banquet for the better award
But my boss came
And she acted like a proud mother
This should have been a happy easy day despite running around making sure things were ready and dreading reading an introduction in public
But I was still raw and bleeding from X's mayhem.

Fast forward four yrs
I still have the scar but it's faded
I still work the job but only until college is over
I still have my sense of humor
But I still hurt
Different reasons now and not as much as before
But I still hide it well
To my own detrement.

my same

sometimes the whole you left hurts my heart, so bad it cuts through the deepest parts of me.
You should know that you're just a temporary fix this isn't rooted with you,you don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in a space that happened to be free, how dare you think you'll get away with trying to play me.
Go head and steal my heart and make me cry again,cuz it will never hurt as much as it did then.
As you tear your way right through me, I forgive you once again, without me knowing, you burn my heart to stone.
And everytime I'm meant to be actin sensible you drift into my head and turn me in to a crumbling fool.
Forgive first love but I'm tired, I need to get away to feel again.

Ah yes ADELE... I understand that completely.
That whole passage are quite a few songs put together but I've felt every line before.
And probably will again.
Me and love....still have our trials and tribulations but I'm never without it.
So I won't wallow and sulk for love, but I won't act foolish and naive about it either.
I know the power of it
How it can be absolute or destroy absolutely
So I proceed with caution
Extreme caution
So I look forward for our next bout love
Maybe this time I will be the victor

My Precious

oohhhhh aaahhh

Forgive Me First Love But...

I recently discovered that my 2nd boyfriend (the first boy i fell in love with) is
HIV positive

I found out from a mutual acquaintance who used to be a good friend of mine
she used to be
until i found out she has a taste for my sloppy seconds
(she even tried to take the meal while i was eating it)
Well these cold leftovers happened to be old and tainted
now she might have food poisoning

oh well
silly rabbit..trix are for kids

so she tells me as if to say that i might have it too
huh?
because your ho'ish ways might finally make you pay the ultimate price
i have to suffer too?
no fly boo
eX was nearly 5 yrs ago
you should have got papers on your mutt before you laid down and picked up his flees
my paper got more negatives signs on it than a subtraction quiz
and they're recent
so I'll enjoy my health while you worry about yours
does that sound harsh?
oh well thats ur personal opinion that means nothing to me

as for you ex,
i told you the day we broke up : "i hope you get beat the fuck up by a STD"
well it looks like its happening
if you would have just been faithful..and a better personality..and a better body...and have been a different person all together..im sure we could have worked out

but alas..you are there and i am here
forgive me if i don't give you some comforting words..some uplifting speech..some inspiration
because you never once gave it to me

God have mercy on your soul

22nd Power

Nicole Will Be 22 Tomorrow

I feel old..i've been out of high school for 4 yrs and i still dont have a degree yet
but oh well
life don't always work the way you want it to
and i'm just gonna HM that
so how does one celebrate that birthday?
One works lol
i don't have a sugar daddy (now accepting applications) so i have to get my own
but it's cool i got it, i got it, i got it
so what does one want for that birthday?
money!!!i need my hair did and driving school money
The last two yrs i've wanted phones which i brought..and i still want another phone too lol but that can wait..driving is much more important (donations are accepted)

so how does one feel?

Like life is like a box of chocolates..it takes ur good parts, goobles u up then shits those out and leaves the rest of you to grow old and stale

thems the breaks, just don't ride on em'