ok...look..i am not the "woe is me" type. if my shit falls apart, i pick up as many pieces as i can and move on..Sometimes pieces get left behind but oh well i never said i was perfect. I am riddled with flaws but dammit i do the best that i know how. But lately it seems like its the "nicole's fault" game being played. I'm not feelin that. I mean really i get that shit enough from my parents to last three lifetimes and I just won't put up with it anymore...so im gonna lay it on the line for 09 because quite frankly pepsi doesn't enjoy being shook up.
My year went from down to bad to worst...then ok to better to down again. It has been one big ass emotional roller coaster. In fact, I've been more emotional in 08 then in my entire life. I started this year out depressed. No not "oh today is just not my day" depressed. I mean clinically depressed, so much so that my best friend was actually going to have me committed (yes as in crazy house committed) but i somehow got past that. But then I was greeted by heartbreak. No not "o gee my boyfriend is mad at me" heartbreak. Im talkin up "the love of my life just decided to annihilate my heart" heartbreak. So excuse me if i can't just dust myself off and trying again. Can i get some time to grieve? I know i appear to be tough and emotionless but shit..some of those pieces take awhile to put back together. I took me two years to get over "X" so how long do you think it will be to get everest out of my system? That wasnt puppy love. That was so much more..No it doesn't help that we kept giving each other mixed signals but i put and end to that. i destroyed a best friend relationship for one person and im not talkin about myself or jesus. A SEVEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP was dismantled so i can concentrate on one person. But wait theres more. How about shortie from my earlier blog. I didnt stop with him because he wasnt good at it of it wasn't fun anymore. I stopped out of sense of loyalty for one person. I stopped gettin it for someone who im not even with just so i can concentrate on him. So I can honestly say he was the only prospect. Im speeding up my healing process so he can get his shot. Im fighting my own inner battles so that he doesn't get hurt by my demons. He talks to my best friend..Thats more than everest ever got..Im letting down my defense for him. I let him in my house (and no one NO ONE is allowed in my mothers house). I let him in my heart and I trusted him in a short amount of time. And what do I get? I get shit like "she's not puttin out much effort, she's moving too slow, she's not affectionate enough, she's not showing it, she's breaking his heart with her indecisiveness". No one can see what i've done, only what i have not.
i've done all i can. I'm tired of trying to prove my intentions and my love. I said i loved him but since its not in the way he wants its not good enough? Bullshit. I told him i'd be with him but since its not when he wants it then it doesn't mean nothing? Im sorry i can't be what yall want me to be and forcing me to conform will only push me in the other direction. I didnt tell him to fall for me..He just fell at the wrong time. but I'm made to look like the bad guy because i'm not ready for a relationship. so guess what? im gonna use his favorite line.. FUCK IT. Im not racking my brain for an answer anymore. you figure it out now Because Nicole has finally lost her patience. If its meant to happen then it will happen but im done forcing it along..Fix it
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?
Walking away from the mountain in a fresh pair of nikes
i have a friend. I'll call him 'mars'..Mars came from outer space. I wasnt expecting him hell he didnt even talk to me. We worked together for months before he started talking to me..lil conversations here and there. He seem like kind soul..ya know a real 'i care what you think and say' type of man..He was sweet and he made me laugh..He was also at the time two yrs younger than me. We kept it light and started to get to know each other..but then it happened..he started to like me. i found out in may or june but i was fresh out of the biggest heartbreak of my life. so when i look back on it, i was unsympathetic towards mars feelings..I couldnt really see past my ex. So a couple months went by and me and mars were becoming better friends..but he couldnt understand why i wasn't over my ex. I didnt have the heart to tell him that i was still in love with him..i didnt want to admit it to myself.So by sept/oct me and mars were hangin and shit.He really is a genuine guy. Gentle and caring...just not all that understanding .he's emotional (the wear your heart on his sleeve type) He is my polar opposite. i could see that my stalling was starting to wear on him emotionally. i truly treasured his friendship but i knew he wanted more. And his insistence was making me uncomfortable..Then i realized that there was no reason i couldnt move on with my life. especially since mars showed true possibilities. so i started to pay more attention to him. Weighing my options with him in my mind. but i still wasnt ready for a relationship..Then november hit and i was hit with a new revelation. Mars was in love with me (damn) I knew this would change everything..now i'd have to take precaution with every move i made with him..I don't want to break his heart(intentionally). But things seemed to go down hill after that. He starts "thinking" too much. Negative thoughts. Everything is gloom and doom with him..Everything was "whatever i dont care anymore"...Nothing i say can console him..He says he's putting in all this effort to make me happy, to do things for me, to be a better man for me, to make us work..but he thinks he's paying for the mistakes of the others before him. He thinks he can't measure up and that all this time has been wasted because i'm not in love with him. I'm so not used to all this emotion..I want to scream MAN UP..but i can't because i remember that feeling and all you want to do is make it work (plus i love the way he looks at me and i couldnt bear to bring pain to those eyes)..but we can't seem to get on the same page. I don't need him to do things for me..Do it with me. He doesn't need to live up to my ex. He has his own place in my heart..it takes time to build a good relationship..i'm willing to work at it..Mars needs more patience..but then again i need to examine my own restrictions and let him in fully.im willing to do that but he has to let me in too and trust that i would go out my way not to hurt him..but me and mars arent exactly communicating right now so if you crash land long enough then know this:
mars sweetie, i love you, no i'm not in love with you but i'm not dismissing the possibility. I don't need you to be my next "everest" nor do i want you to be. i like you just the way you are. you've shown me that there are still good men out there but i don't want them.i'd take my chances with you. even though your mushiness drives me crazy, your too damn affectionate, too pessimistic, and just plain weird..i love you just the way you are..There's nothing you can do to better yourself in my eyes so stop trying..Stop trying to impress me. Stop longing for something that will come to you..All i want from you is patience and your trust..Yes i've already experienced one great love...but that doesnt mean there isnt room for one more..Your stuck with me kid even if we'll only ever be just friends. You'll never be rid of me so get used to having my crazy ass around
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Pepsi's No Go Logo
I love pepsi..not like..LOVE!! I drink it more than water. I mix it with rum, i drink it warm and I even bake pies with it lol. But there's nothing like an ice cold pepsi..the kind that burns when you drink it too fast lol. So yeah im a fanatic for it..but this shit here-------------->
this new logo of theirs does not hit the spot. What were they thinking? I didn't kno
In Memory..(The Semi-Whole Love Story..without the long details.)
His name...well I'll call him "Everest"..Everest and I met in 9th grade. I hated him and the feelings were mutual. He was this annoying little boy who i couldn't stand and I loved to insult him and pick with him. His pain and anger literally made me smile. It brought joy to my heart to torture him and he was quite keen on returning the favor. This loathing for one another went on for about two yrs. I was in a committed, loving (or so i thought) relationship with my then current boyfriend "X". So around 11th grade I noticed a change (physically and mentally). He was about 5 inches taller and started to look like a 17 yr old rather than a 10 yr old lol...I really only changed a bra size( didn't really make a difference, i had a rack since 6th grade lol) So you could say that i was a little more attracted to him. Our hatred filled insults turned more into playful banter. But he was cocky as hell and arrogant as fuck and the annoyed the shit out of me...so there was still a hint of dislike between us. In between our daily insults we would actually talk like regular ppl. I started to get to know him and vice versa. By 12th grade he shot up 3 more inches and my major difference was heartbreak. Me and "X" split up for good and I was shredded into pieces..my life literally felt empty (not because we weren't together anymore but from the fact of all the love and energy i gave him and all i got back was emotional abuse..but thats for another blog). That breakup changed my outlook on life..I changed, no longer was i the nice, goofy, sympathetic love sick puppy i used to be. I was done with that shit and I was done with men for the time being..I took the nigga approach..all they were good for is 'yea' then send their asses on they're merry. I figured if men can do it why can't i? but that didn't effect me and everest he was more like a brother to me at this point. Everest was a player with no real intentions of having a relationship so me and him would just gab about shit (and still pick with each other). So senior yr came and went..I attempted to stay in touch with a few ppl..but not as well as i could have( Everest was one of them)..He went away to school and i went on to live a whole lifetime lol..We lost touch until Jan. 2007 (two yrs later) We began to IM and re-establish our friendship. He tells me he broke up with his girlfriend of two yrs (that slutty bitch) and he was really hurt by it. I could understand that sentiment. I was still in 'men are my play things' mode and i was enjoying my single life (on the outside..on the inside i was still licking my still raw wounds of 'X') and then we lost contact again.so Everest came home in may but i didn't get a chance to see him. it was in june when we finally saw each other. it was at a friends party and there he was. It was like i was seeing him for the first time, this magnificent man, love at first sight. College football was kind to him lol..This was not the boy i met yrs ago, this was not the brother i fell out of touch with, That right there nigga (lol)..was the man of my dreams. All i could do was hope i wasn't drooling lol I hadn't changed much since high school accept for my intelligence level lol. We talked and exchanged numbers and i was scared to call him (so sad) It took a gentle push for a kind co-worker (my future bestest friend..again thats for another blog) for me to attempt to call him but he called me first..We talked again (he has an o so sexy voice)..So it was clear that i was highly attracted to this man but i wasnt sure about his feelings towards me..And then it happened (we kissed) I was done after that..I was head over heels up in the clouds type of love. And he wanted me too (i still don't know why..like i said before i'm not doing anything special over here) but i had i serious case of commitment phobia and damn sure wasnt ready for love. But he was and we got together. This was no ordinary puppy love, lust thing that would wear of.it was deeper, more meaningful. I could feel him in my very heart when he hugged me i could feel my soul being entangled with his. I just knew we were meant for each other..or so i thought..Because we both loved hard, we hated hard as well..so when we got into fights and arguments..look out for flying objects raised voices, extreme cussing, and insults galore. He was crazy, abrasive, assertive, challenging, demanding, bull headed, determined, infuriating, aggressive and to damn prideful..just like me lol but he loved me somethin fierce I knew it..so we never stayed apart for too long. He was never unkind to me. With all his faults he was still a sweet, loving man i just have the tendency of bringing out the worst in ppl..he was after all raised to be a respect gentlemen which is and he looks out for his women..He was what i wanted and needed and i had it..but we were too much alike..and far too often did our personalities clash in a pride filled will power battle instead of meshing..but we found a way to take each other into consideration. But then the military happened..he wanted to be a marine. It was in his blood and he had to fulfill this so called family legend. I didnt like it one bit..We're in a pointless war and he wants to not just join any ol service..THE DAMN MARINES!!! of course they was sending that nigga to iraq..and his crazy ass wanted to go !! So i told him i wasn't gonna wait for him..that i wouldn't be subjected to that lifestyle of worrying. its one thing to join up and not go to war..there's plenty of ppl in the service who aren't called to battle..but he wanted to fight for his country (silly ass). He assured me that we'd be together when he came back..i wasn't so sure. I wasn't prepared for this plan, i wasn't even sure i wanted to be a part of it and i didn't but i would support him through boot camp..So he went. And even though i said i wouldn't wait, i did...but then his dumbass got hurt in bootcamp..gave us all quite a scare..It was serious enough that the marines were considering not letting him into the corp. but he finished the hard part of it so he was basically waiting for graduation. I told him while he was there that that was it..he proved his point.. he became a marine, that he should just let them discharge him for medical reasons and that he can come home and we'll focus on our future..I told him not to be foolish, that i wasn't gonna be with him if i continued on the path. I was not gonna live that life with him. I'd be miserable and I'd end up resenting him for forcing that on me. he said ok. So he comes home. i'm all excited. The love of my life is back with me. No, that wasnt the case..I didn't get everest...I got a marine. Cold and distant. Those burgundy eyes were not the eyes that i fell in love with. He told me that he was continuing in the marines and that since i couldnt support him in that venture then he didn't love me..I never believed that u could really feel your heartbreak until that very moment. It was agonizing..just the memory of it still brings me to tears. i couldnt breathe.. i don't know how I got home..Everything in me hurt. It was unbearable. This was in april..For weeks I abhorred him..there was genuine despise in my heart for him..but I didnt stop loving him..no matter how hard i tried my heart still belonged to him. So in june, a secret was let slipped. Our mutual friend told me that he only said it to save me. That he didnt want me resenting him so he let me go. He sacrificed his happiness for my betterment. The fool. I was blowing hot air at him..bluffing him..I would have stayed with him even if he was dumb enough to still be a marine. Yeah i would have hated it but i would have done anything to be with him..So i sought him out to see if this recent development was true. It was. He regretted his decision and he never stopped loving me. I was still mad at him..but to hear him say he still loved me made my heart smile. But i couldnt trust him..and i wouldnt be him no matter how much he begged. He finally realized his offense and decided that he'd rather be my friend instead of chasing after me and keep being rejected. I agreed because he was my friend first before my lover. So all summer we've been friends and i did my damnest to hide the fact that i was still in love with him..and he did the same..pride wouldnt let us give in. so in september he went to hawaii and came back with his long lost bestfriend and new girlfriend. i was jealous like seriously mad with jealousy but i denied it. but then i saw them together..she was my complete opposite. she was short, slim, sweet, compassionate, affectionate and passive and when i saw the way he looked at her i knew there was love there..I couldn't stomach. At that point i wasnt crazy in love with him but i still loved him. I wanted those two apart ASAP..but alas..my grinchy heart grew a size and realized that he was her first love and i didnt want to be the cause of her first heartbreak..too many women have suffered that fate including myself. So I respected their relationship..But everest being everest, he had to make sure i was ok with it..Of course i said yes..But i knew that he wouldnt truly move on until i was straight so i started feeding him info on a new prospect and then he was the one with the jealous bug.So here we are, two ex lovers who still have strong feelings for each other that have two new ppl in their lives..and by a crazy coincidence..they both happen to be younger and fresh to the love game (this is their first time at being in love). so us seasoned pros have to be careful. we got sensitive beings in our hands.. the difference is he was in his relationship but i wasnt (at least not yet) because i still couldnt quite shake everest and everest was mentally cheating on his girl with me..We can't move on in life like this or we'd end up hurting ourselves and others around us. The bond had to be severed but he wouldn't do it because he doesnt have the heart to hurt me again..even tho we aren't in love with each anymore..there is still love there..and our love has a dangerous habit of growing really fast then imploding lol. So, on sunday i did what he could not. I killed the bond. How? well this blog is already long enough but i essentially did what he did to me months before. I took the blame for a vile and ignorant attempt to break everest and his girl up..but i had nothing to do with it..he was foaming at the mouth to tear into the person responsible. I saw that as an opportunity and i took it..thats all im gonna say about that. So its done now..we're done..maybe in a few years when we've moved on in life and our vicious cycle is dead and gone, will the truth surface and he will know what it felt like to be me when he did it to me. Thats the story. so im changing the tides for 09 lol and now i can start fresh. so farewell everest..u'll always have a place in my heart and thank you for teaching me how to love again.
How...Awkward..
so i have this friend. i'll call him shortie lol. shortie is my nigga..not my friend my nigga. My niggaz aren't really full blown friends, they are just guys that are a placeholder..a back up for lack of better words..and thats what he is nothing more nothing less. i met shortie in jan. he had a girl and i had a man so we weren't doing anything but being friendly. he threw in a few innuendos from time to time but i was committed and they just rolled off my back. well my man went all twister on me and i was single again. I was heartbroken..but i wasn't dead if ya know what i mean. he just found out that his girlfriend was cheatin on him so he wasn't really feelin her. he had needs and i had needs...simple or so i thought. he never left his girlfriend and that didnt bother me because i wasn't lookin for a relationship. i was still in love with my ex. so we went on like this from may to july. i'd call him when i needed him..i didnt call to talk..thats what my other friends were for.that wasn't his purpose. but i noticed that he was taking more of a liking to me. He started calling more just to talk and weird shit like that. so anyway he still had his girlfriend but i had no respect for her. in fact i came to see him while she was visiting him and stayed when she left. Of course she hated me..i had her man hooked and i wasn't even trying to pull him hell i didn't even want him as a boyfriend i still don't. well in august they hit a rough patch and i came over to..comfort him lol..well thats when shit turn mr. hyde-ish. he was more affectionate and eager even talkin about the possibility of me and him..I played it off and pray his girlfriend takes him back lol..she does of course(poor girl). so october rolls around and we reconnect. But there was a scare (so to speak) and he throwing out words like "family" and "us"..oh hell no! so i distance myself for about a month he'd call i wouldnt answer or pretend i was busy. so by november he finally catches my again (damn) he's single and he wants to see me. I dont want to (because last time damn near caused me an anxiety attack) and i had a new prospect that drew away my attention..someone new. it is now december and shortie calls me up..not to see me but to talk..about his feelings. he realizes that he spent his time on the wrong woman..that it is I who should be his main squeeze..in short..the boy is in love with me lol (i dont know how ppl get to this point with me ..really im not doing anything special here). he wants a relationship with me and he wants to know my feelings..i of course ignore his calls..thats just to heavy for my taste..im not trying to break anymore hearts this year..especially since he doesnt have the slightest chance of a relationship with me..once a cheater always a cheater.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Gotta to Have Them
ok...no lie, i tried these babies on up in new york (shhhh don't tell anyone i was in heels, they probably wouldn't believe you anyway)..o how i fell in love with them, if only i had $599 to spend frivolously, these indeed would be the second thing i brought (after my htc touch pro). they fit like cinderella slipper just the taller hookerish version. If only they didn't have that big ass 'G' on the side. These are trully are far cry from my sneakers but in a good way.
Damn you memphis bleek...damn your ass to hell!!! i would cut your feet off for these shoes..seriously lol
Johnny Cakes
O johnny...you can do no wrong...you've been right to me since 21 jumpstreet..sure you've done some strange movies but who cares..You and Tim make magic together and the movies yall make always leaves the world talkin bout ya! So why are ppl so shocked that you're Tim's mad hatter in Alice in Wonderland? I'm not surprised. Whether your a singing murderous barber, a flamboyant pirate, or a scared little boy on elm street, you'll always amaze me.
An Ode to Michael Ealy
O Michael...the things you do to me in my dreams should be only in pornos lol..But really the man is talented yet underrated ... but hopefully in his new role in ''Seven Pounds"he will finally be a household name but i'm pretty sure he'll get looked over for the fresh prince of Bel-Air (when is Will gonna get adamn oscar?!).
But fear not Micheal...i'm here for you even if you don't know it..Hallie's loss is my gain
Another Good Poem
Heartbreak...Its a motherfucker..and i've had it too many times..and this last and most recent one is the one that probably really fucked with my chi..observe:
the memory of you still haunts my mind
the illusion of what should have been
echoes in my heart
i feel....no i don't feel
the warmth of your love has left me
cold and hollow
the empty shell of the organ that
provides me life
is now vacant and engulfed in silence.
what good is it if you no longer reside
there?
what use is it if it can no longer beat
for you?
my mind is in a catatonic state
forever frozen in the way we were
trapped in the never ending cycle of us
our love, timelessly preserved in one
perfect picture
the muscle that wills me to live is
depleted
resting in the dark hole of depression
your smile no longer revitalizes it
your touch no longer energizes it to
continue
what good is it if it can not anticipate
your arrival?
What use is it if it is only plagued by
your departure?
I feel...yes i do feel
grief is what is left
it agonizes me, it is a skewer through
my soul
what good am i if i cannot be with you?
what use am i if cannot love you?
my place is lost in this world if it is
not by your side
my vision is meaningless if it can
no longer look into your eyes
my life has no destination if you are
no longer its guide
my sense of smell is pointless if your
tantalizing scent is denied
death would be merciful if i cannot
have you while i am alive
for you not to love me is the quickest
way to my demise
its you...always you
the battery of
my life
A Description Me aka Make Up Artist
I wrote this way back and it describes me quite well. yeah i might have been suffering with a serious bout of depression when i wrote this but i think its one of the best i've ever wrote. If you don't agree..well i really didn't ask you to..
Mack, Loreal, maybeline, cover girl
Cosmetics for the average woman
Put on every morning, wiped off every night.
I wear my make up the same way
But it does not come in the form of lipsticks and eyeliner
But in the form of deception and denial
The method of application is similar
My compact is filled with fraudulent claims
I conceal my grief ridden eyes with the shade of contentment
I cover my dark despondent circles with the color of sanguinity
I paint my lips with the fabrication of hope and delight
I plaster my depressed cheeks with the foundation of elation and amusement
My carefully constructed face is finally sealed with an injection of an impenetrable Botox that torrents the illusion of confidence and hardens my hollow shell
Unlike everyone else's makeup
Mine does not wash off
Because the biggest person I am trying to deceive is myself
I no longer recognize my original face
The Blog world calls to me
ppl may read it
they may not
im not gonna cry myself to sleep about it
i do it for me
so be well yo
