Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

ok...look..i am not the "woe is me" type. if my shit falls apart, i pick up as many pieces as i can and move on..Sometimes pieces get left behind but oh well i never said i was perfect. I am riddled with flaws but dammit i do the best that i know how. But lately it seems like its the "nicole's fault" game being played. I'm not feelin that. I mean really i get that shit enough from my parents to last three lifetimes and I just won't put up with it anymore...so im gonna lay it on the line for 09 because quite frankly pepsi doesn't enjoy being shook up.


My year went from down to bad to worst...then ok to better to down again. It has been one big ass emotional roller coaster. In fact, I've been more emotional in 08 then in my entire life. I started this year out depressed. No not "oh today is just not my day" depressed. I mean clinically depressed, so much so that my best friend was actually going to have me committed (yes as in crazy house committed) but i somehow got past that. But then I was greeted by heartbreak. No not "o gee my boyfriend is mad at me" heartbreak. Im talkin up "the love of my life just decided to annihilate my heart" heartbreak. So excuse me if i can't just dust myself off and trying again. Can i get some time to grieve? I know i appear to be tough and emotionless but shit..some of those pieces take awhile to put back together. I took me two years to get over "X" so how long do you think it will be to get everest out of my system? That wasnt puppy love. That was so much more..No it doesn't help that we kept giving each other mixed signals but i put and end to that. i destroyed a best friend relationship for one person and im not talkin about myself or jesus. A SEVEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP was dismantled so i can concentrate on one person. But wait theres more. How about shortie from my earlier blog. I didnt stop with him because he wasnt good at it of it wasn't fun anymore. I stopped out of sense of loyalty for one person. I stopped gettin it for someone who im not even with just so i can concentrate on him. So I can honestly say he was the only prospect. Im speeding up my healing process so he can get his shot. Im fighting my own inner battles so that he doesn't get hurt by my demons. He talks to my best friend..Thats more than everest ever got..Im letting down my defense for him. I let him in my house (and no one NO ONE is allowed in my mothers house). I let him in my heart and I trusted him in a short amount of time. And what do I get? I get shit like "she's not puttin out much effort, she's moving too slow, she's not affectionate enough, she's not showing it, she's breaking his heart with her indecisiveness". No one can see what i've done, only what i have not.

i've done all i can. I'm tired of trying to prove my intentions and my love. I said i loved him but since its not in the way he wants its not good enough? Bullshit. I told him i'd be with him but since its not when he wants it then it doesn't mean nothing? Im sorry i can't be what yall want me to be and forcing me to conform will only push me in the other direction. I didnt tell him to fall for me..He just fell at the wrong time. but I'm made to look like the bad guy because i'm not ready for a relationship. so guess what? im gonna use his favorite line.. FUCK IT. Im not racking my brain for an answer anymore. you figure it out now Because Nicole has finally lost her patience. If its meant to happen then it will happen but im done forcing it along..Fix it