In Memory..(The Semi-Whole Love Story..without the long details.)

His name...well I'll call him "Everest"..Everest and I met in 9th grade. I hated him and the feelings were mutual. He was this annoying little boy who i couldn't stand and I loved to insult him and pick with him. His pain and anger literally made me smile. It brought joy to my heart to torture him and he was quite keen on returning the favor. This loathing for one another went on for about two yrs. I was in a committed, loving (or so i thought) relationship with my then current boyfriend "X". So around 11th grade I noticed a change (physically and mentally). He was about 5 inches taller and started to look like a 17 yr old rather than a 10 yr old lol...I really only changed a bra size( didn't really make a difference, i had a rack since 6th grade lol) So you could say that i was a little more attracted to him. Our hatred filled insults turned more into playful banter. But he was cocky as hell and arrogant as fuck and the annoyed the shit out of me...so there was still a hint of dislike between us. In between our daily insults we would actually talk like regular ppl. I started to get to know him and vice versa. By 12th grade he shot up 3 more inches and my major difference was heartbreak. Me and "X" split up for good and I was shredded into pieces..my life literally felt empty (not because we weren't together anymore but from the fact of all the love and energy i gave him and all i got back was emotional abuse..but thats for another blog). That breakup changed my outlook on life..I changed, no longer was i the nice, goofy, sympathetic love sick puppy i used to be. I was done with that shit and I was done with men for the time being..I took the nigga approach..all they were good for is 'yea' then send their asses on they're merry. I figured if men can do it why can't i? but that didn't effect me and everest he was more like a brother to me at this point. Everest was a player with no real intentions of having a relationship so me and him would just gab about shit (and still pick with each other). So senior yr came and went..I attempted to stay in touch with a few ppl..but not as well as i could have( Everest was one of them)..He went away to school and i went on to live a whole lifetime lol..We lost touch until Jan. 2007 (two yrs later) We began to IM and re-establish our friendship. He tells me he broke up with his girlfriend of two yrs (that slutty bitch) and he was really hurt by it. I could understand that sentiment. I was still in 'men are my play things' mode and i was enjoying my single life (on the outside..on the inside i was still licking my still raw wounds of 'X') and then we lost contact again.so Everest came home in may but i didn't get a chance to see him. it was in june when we finally saw each other. it was at a friends party and there he was. It was like i was seeing him for the first time, this magnificent man, love at first sight. College football was kind to him lol..This was not the boy i met yrs ago, this was not the brother i fell out of touch with, That right there nigga (lol)..was the man of my dreams. All i could do was hope i wasn't drooling lol I hadn't changed much since high school accept for my intelligence level lol. We talked and exchanged numbers and i was scared to call him (so sad) It took a gentle push for a kind co-worker (my future bestest friend..again thats for another blog) for me to attempt to call him but he called me first..We talked again (he has an o so sexy voice)..So it was clear that i was highly attracted to this man but i wasnt sure about his feelings towards me..And then it happened (we kissed) I was done after that..I was head over heels up in the clouds type of love. And he wanted me too (i still don't know why..like i said before i'm not doing anything special over here) but i had i serious case of commitment phobia and damn sure wasnt ready for love. But he was and we got together. This was no ordinary puppy love, lust thing that would wear of.it was deeper, more meaningful. I could feel him in my very heart when he hugged me i could feel my soul being entangled with his. I just knew we were meant for each other..or so i thought..Because we both loved hard, we hated hard as well..so when we got into fights and arguments..look out for flying objects raised voices, extreme cussing, and insults galore. He was crazy, abrasive, assertive, challenging, demanding, bull headed, determined, infuriating, aggressive and to damn prideful..just like me lol but he loved me somethin fierce I knew it..so we never stayed apart for too long. He was never unkind to me. With all his faults he was still a sweet, loving man i just have the tendency of bringing out the worst in ppl..he was after all raised to be a respect gentlemen which is and he looks out for his women..He was what i wanted and needed and i had it..but we were too much alike..and far too often did our personalities clash in a pride filled will power battle instead of meshing..but we found a way to take each other into consideration. But then the military happened..he wanted to be a marine. It was in his blood and he had to fulfill this so called family legend. I didnt like it one bit..We're in a pointless war and he wants to not just join any ol service..THE DAMN MARINES!!! of course they was sending that nigga to iraq..and his crazy ass wanted to go !! So i told him i wasn't gonna wait for him..that i wouldn't be subjected to that lifestyle of worrying. its one thing to join up and not go to war..there's plenty of ppl in the service who aren't called to battle..but he wanted to fight for his country (silly ass). He assured me that we'd be together when he came back..i wasn't so sure. I wasn't prepared for this plan, i wasn't even sure i wanted to be a part of it and i didn't but i would support him through boot camp..So he went. And even though i said i wouldn't wait, i did...but then his dumbass got hurt in bootcamp..gave us all quite a scare..It was serious enough that the marines were considering not letting him into the corp. but he finished the hard part of it so he was basically waiting for graduation. I told him while he was there that that was it..he proved his point.. he became a marine, that he should just let them discharge him for medical reasons and that he can come home and we'll focus on our future..I told him not to be foolish, that i wasn't gonna be with him if i continued on the path. I was not gonna live that life with him. I'd be miserable and I'd end up resenting him for forcing that on me. he said ok. So he comes home. i'm all excited. The love of my life is back with me. No, that wasnt the case..I didn't get everest...I got a marine. Cold and distant. Those burgundy eyes were not the eyes that i fell in love with. He told me that he was continuing in the marines and that since i couldnt support him in that venture then he didn't love me..I never believed that u could really feel your heartbreak until that very moment. It was agonizing..just the memory of it still brings me to tears. i couldnt breathe.. i don't know how I got home..Everything in me hurt. It was unbearable. This was in april..For weeks I abhorred him..there was genuine despise in my heart for him..but I didnt stop loving him..no matter how hard i tried my heart still belonged to him. So in june, a secret was let slipped. Our mutual friend told me that he only said it to save me. That he didnt want me resenting him so he let me go. He sacrificed his happiness for my betterment. The fool. I was blowing hot air at him..bluffing him..I would have stayed with him even if he was dumb enough to still be a marine. Yeah i would have hated it but i would have done anything to be with him..So i sought him out to see if this recent development was true. It was. He regretted his decision and he never stopped loving me. I was still mad at him..but to hear him say he still loved me made my heart smile. But i couldnt trust him..and i wouldnt be him no matter how much he begged. He finally realized his offense and decided that he'd rather be my friend instead of chasing after me and keep being rejected. I agreed because he was my friend first before my lover. So all summer we've been friends and i did my damnest to hide the fact that i was still in love with him..and he did the same..pride wouldnt let us give in. so in september he went to hawaii and came back with his long lost bestfriend and new girlfriend. i was jealous like seriously mad with jealousy but i denied it. but then i saw them together..she was my complete opposite. she was short, slim, sweet, compassionate, affectionate and passive and when i saw the way he looked at her i knew there was love there..I couldn't stomach. At that point i wasnt crazy in love with him but i still loved him. I wanted those two apart ASAP..but alas..my grinchy heart grew a size and realized that he was her first love and i didnt want to be the cause of her first heartbreak..too many women have suffered that fate including myself. So I respected their relationship..But everest being everest, he had to make sure i was ok with it..Of course i said yes..But i knew that he wouldnt truly move on until i was straight so i started feeding him info on a new prospect and then he was the one with the jealous bug.So here we are, two ex lovers who still have strong feelings for each other that have two new ppl in their lives..and by a crazy coincidence..they both happen to be younger and fresh to the love game (this is their first time at being in love). so us seasoned pros have to be careful. we got sensitive beings in our hands.. the difference is he was in his relationship but i wasnt (at least not yet) because i still couldnt quite shake everest and everest was mentally cheating on his girl with me..We can't move on in life like this or we'd end up hurting ourselves and others around us. The bond had to be severed but he wouldn't do it because he doesnt have the heart to hurt me again..even tho we aren't in love with each anymore..there is still love there..and our love has a dangerous habit of growing really fast then imploding lol. So, on sunday i did what he could not. I killed the bond. How? well this blog is already long enough but i essentially did what he did to me months before. I took the blame for a vile and ignorant attempt to break everest and his girl up..but i had nothing to do with it..he was foaming at the mouth to tear into the person responsible. I saw that as an opportunity and i took it..thats all im gonna say about that. So its done now..we're done..maybe in a few years when we've moved on in life and our vicious cycle is dead and gone, will the truth surface and he will know what it felt like to be me when he did it to me. Thats the story. so im changing the tides for 09 lol and now i can start fresh. so farewell everest..u'll always have a place in my heart and thank you for teaching me how to love again.