save me

Some men think they need to save the damsel in distress
Some women would love this
To be with their knight in shining armor
But some women don't need this
Yeah it's nice to see then there are exception to the nigger rule
But they don't need to be saved

Like me

My recent situation for the past ten months
Has been based off of one big misconception
A false perception
That I needed to be saved
I broke up with MEL
The love of my life
My end all be all
My supposed future
My perfect match
And all that other shit LOL

I was....dismantled, heartshattered
And all that other shit LOL
I needed time...time to revamp my life
Decide what direction to take now
Time to work him out of my system

In rides TKC
So eager to prove that good men were
Still out there
That he could love me better
That he could treat me better
To be the exception
To be my knight in shining armor
But..
I wasn't interested
Not in a relationship at least
But I believed he could make a wonderful friend

I was flattered but not impressed
I didn't want to be impressed
I already had my good man
My exception
He already loved me in ways unimaginable
And he always treated me good with respect
Our break up wasn't traditional
It was basically whoever got over their pride first and we would have been back together
But our lives were going in different directions
And I wasn't prepared to follow his so we split

I didn't need to be saved
I didn't need all the fanfare
The attention
All of that wasn't necessary
I'm not a conventional female
That stuff doesn't make me feel better

But there was no stopping TKC
So I let him do it
I figured maybe down the line he would be good boyfriend material

Months past and he was still a good friend
Weird...but good
And he wanted more, more than I was ready to give
So I told him give me time and when I'm over MEL I will give us a shot
There was my mistake (my first one)
Hope

Hope makes ppl more eager
More anxious
More willing to see it through
I know this I didn't think it would be a problem
He could stand to wait little more
It would be worth it
I care about him so much that I'm willing to make sure no old feelings or past issues would get in our way
And I'm the only one that can insure that
Its my problem to fix..no help needed
Then
TKC was in love
And I still told him to wait
Another mistake
U never tell an eager beaver he can't build his dam
But what else could I do?
A relationship still wasn't in my hand to play yet
But he still took it well...so I thought

I guess my words didn't match my actions
Cuz he didn't feel secure in his place
Again,what did he want me to do?
I'm a very non chalant person until u piss me off
I'm not as affectionate as most females but
I thought he was more emotional that most males
A clash in our personalities
Nothing that couldn't be worked out
So we went along
Until

He got too antsy
My pace was too slow for him
my gestures weren't big enough
so he lashed out
foolishly
for my attention
instead of seeing this as a cry for help..for need
i took it as a hostile act
and i struck back
another mistake
you dont fight fire with gasoline

so the smokes clears...sorta
and what is left is not what i had before
the potential that was there has been replaced with a litany of things i don't want
but i still hold out hope for the former to rise from the ashes
so i try to retrace my steps
start the friendship fresh
hoping that maybe things will be rekindled
but alas..more destruction
so now i think maybe if i stop thinking about it as a future relationship and just focus on the friendship part
take off the pressure
take away the anxiety
wrong

this was misconstrued as i didnt care
that hurt
im trying to find solutions here
yet he takes it as i dont care
and now he wonders if i ever cared
how hurtful
as if i just said all of those things to pass time
i resent this
but i still want the friendship
but i keep getting negative feedback
everyones telling me how hurt he is
how distraught
how much he's suffering
how much he's struggling
to push these feelings aside
and everyones wondering how i do it so well
so it does look like i dont care

what can say?
i like to suffer in the privacy of my own walls
showing emotion has backfired on me before
been used against me
so i adapted
it has nothing to do with him

so i'm here listening and watching
realizing that he is putting his life on hold
to stay miserable with me
we keep counteracting each other
when it goes good he's suspicious
and when it goes bad i'm too annoyed to deal with it
a crossroad
one of us will have to change to make this work
but we're too stubborn to do so
and if we attempt to change..we eventually revert back

what type of person would i be to let him stay in this suspended state
i know that we just aren't working
but he doesn't want to accept it
or he knows but he doesn't want to be the one to stop it
he does what he thinks i want him to do
but never tells me what he wants no matter how much i ask
so i do what needs to be done
i let go
i cant condone this vicious cycle
its not good for anyone involved
i'll save himself if he wont.
of course this is taken as i dont care again
but i wont object
he needs to believe whatever he needs to so he can move on
to heal
and i?
thats what i do best..i'll play the bad guy if it makes things easier
his happiness is all that matters
and i'm not the one who does that anymore

so what now?
i dont know
maybe he will mature into the person i know is there
maybe i'll shed some of this heavy armor ppl keep smashing themselves into
or maybe he'll find someone and forget all about me
one thing is for certain

i still love him

that hasnt changed
but love isnt always enough
and thats a hard rule ppl learn the hard way

but in the end
i was saved
inadvertently lol
this crazy thingy made me realize
that men are still worth my woes, disappointment and sorrows
and that im not as unlovable as i thought

yay for me
i guess

i am sry that i couldnt be what he needed
im sry for his heartache
that was what i was trying to prevent
i just wanted time to fix my issues so that i could give you the relationship you deserved
i had nothing but good intentions
but u know what they say

good intentions pave the road to hell